The Earth: Real or Cake?

“Good evening, I am Daphne Inanna here with my co-host, Casey Jones, and you’re watching Myth Busters News. Tonight, we’ll be covering the recent scientific breakthrough, backed up by factual statistical data, claiming our world is simulated. That means you, me, and the television you’re watching this on are all faker than the Hollywood smile.”

“A team of scientists from Illuminati University has published a study claiming that the earth as we know it only exists in a perceived reality. After studying multiple objects and locations, including the Eiffel Tower, White House, and Leaning Tower of Pisa, the team concluded that 100.69 percent of all subjects had specific, interspaced time warps that were indicative of the control of a possibly supernatural authority as well as a universe that is quite literally unreal. These warps were sporadic glitches, causing unique spectacles such as straight edges of buildings suddenly curving or moving, and random objects disappearing and returning in exactly 76 seconds. Some have attributed the ownership of our universe to aliens or Gen Alpha brainrot, while others have accused God of misleading the entire human race. More on that later,” Inanna remarked. “Casey, can you tell us more about the public’s reaction to this shocking revelation?”

“Absolutely, Daphne. New York City, Bangkok, Mumbai, and Hogwarts have all experienced a 317 percent rise in crime following the widespread interpretation of the research. It has come to be understood that if our universe is seemingly fake, the laws must be as well. Californian police officers have abandoned their duties and are in the process of robbing the elite by camping outside wealthy mansions and engaging in planned heists. With the elite losing their monetary resources, our economy has been failing, and inflation has been skyrocketing. As the United States falls into recession, communist countries have been boasting about the advantages of their system worldwide. In addition, it has also been rumored that Tralalero Smith, an esteemed scientist involved in the discovery, was kidnapped from his home and is currently being held for ransom. Why would the criminals want money that is no longer real? We’re not sure,” Jones replied.

“Casey, doesn’t Mr. Smith live with three cats and a parrot?” Inanna inquired curiously.

“Correct. So far, the kidnappers have been attempting to negotiate with the pets but have not gotten further than a handful of meows that sounded similar to ‘Come over, loser. We’re going shopping, and repeated squawks of ‘Hey Timmy! Watcha’ doing?’ Back to you, Daphne.”

“Thank you, Casey. We also have reports of Google’s CEO running the company into the ground before resigning. He has taken multiple full-year vacations and appointed his sister’s dog to choose strategic investments by having the pet tap a card with its paw. As a result, Google will be temporarily taken offline to address high losses. Our CEO’s statement was an immense reality check for a lot of us. Let’s see that clip now.”

A glaring image of the CEO dressed in a standard black suit and tie, seated in a plant-filled conference room, illuminated the news channel screen.

“What am I doing breaking my back making fake money in a fake world to earn fake fame so I can die a fake death widely covered by fake press? You know what’s even funnier? I’m breaking a fake back,” he remarked.

“Extremely valid crashout. Thank you for that, Daphne,” Jones commented.

“Absolutely. Before we sign off for tonight, the United Nations has reportedly declared God the sole perpetrator of such a reality,” Inanna began. “God has been accused by the council of misinformation and propaganda and is being sued on 57 different accounts, including creation of falsehood and lies, and punishing civilization by making them live such a lie, for approximately $324 trillion.”

“That’s quite the number!” Jones exclaimed in shock.

“Indeed, Casey. The amount is being requested to pay off world debt and therapy that could be described as, likely, according to Google’s CEO, ‘fake.’ Secretary-General Guterres has also kindly provided us with a statement in light of recent events.”

The image of an elderly man with a kind face and wrinkles, situated behind a podium with the flags of multiple countries hanging behind him, as he gives a press conference to a crowd of eager journalists, immediately filled the screen.

“I stand before you today, now aware that my every word is part of a larger plan I have no control over. The United Nations has been proudly serving our world in favor of peace and tranquility, only to learn we have been fighting for what could be termed an abstract idea. God, we demand the amount paid in FULL to cover our therapy sessions. You WILL be hearing from our lawyers,” Guterres recounted.

“Daphne, do we have a statement from one of the lawyers in question?”

“We do indeed, Casey. Her name is Mrs. Karen Karens, and she has quite a lot to express,” replied Inanna.

“EXCUSE ME!! EXCUSE ME! No, you know what? Excuse YOU.”

“Ma’am, how on earth did you manage to enter the recording studio?”

“Well, firstly, I am Mrs. Karen Karens and I can speak for myself, thank you. Secondly, your security is pathetic. You want my statement? Well, listen up, God! I’ve dealt with much tougher clients than you, and guess what? I haven’t lost a single case. I sued the United States government because they didn’t refund me for my trip to the Grand Canyon, and I’ll do the same for you. I’ve wrestled a Costco employee, three women, and their husbands for the last turkey on Thanksgiving, and I won. I even—”

“Okay, thank you, ma’am. This has been just lovely, and I hope our audience enjoyed the update as much as we enjoyed giving it.”

“NOW HOLD ON JUST A MINUTE. NOBODY INTERRUPTS MRS. KAREN KAR—”

“This has been Daphne Inanna and Casey Jones with—”

“OH NOT SO FAST THERE!” A loud, shrill voice pierced the already chaos-filled air.

“And who might you be?” Inanna pressed.

“Don’t worry about that, darling! You should instead be concerned about your job,” the voice replied, with the figure becoming clearer as the individual approached. A woman and a man stepped into the studio, both with wide-rimmed glasses, official-looking badges, and cold, smug expressions.

“Excuse me?!” Inanna replied.

“You’re out here yapping about a fake universe, fake world, fake you, but that doesn’t mean that your NEWS is fake, too,” the man interjects.

“Now hold on just a minute, that’s quite the contradiction. You must—”

“Oh, save it!” Mrs. Karens interrupted. “My sister and her husband are absolutely right.”

Casey’s eyes grew wide, “I’m sorry, sister?! Husband?!”

“THAT’S RIGHT AND WE’RE HERE TO SHUT DOWN YOUR AUTHORITA—”

Daphne quickly stepped towards the camera. “Stay safe out there, folks! Have a great rest of your—”

Static cuts through the screen before the program is taken offline.