The Day After

As the hunched and depressed mob of Stuyvesant students swarmed through the second-floor entrance in their heavy winter coats after Christmas break, the last 10 days seemed like an illusion.

“I have no recollection of what happened the past week,” senior David Vinokur said.

Vinokur was one of the few seniors who walked into school that day despite the fact that the second term hadn’t started yet. It turns out that Vinokur, along with many other students, had slept through the entire break.

“It couldn’t have been that long,” freshchild Timmy said. “After all, the escalators still aren’t functional yet. I can’t wait to carry my 40-pound rolling backpack up the stairs and block everyone!”

The stairs have been less congested than usual, likely due to the absence of almost all of the senior class, though the freshmen have somehow multiplied to fill this void. The senior teachers are confounded by this absence.

“Either everyone got into Harvard early, or the end is near,” government teacher Terry Krainor said.

With most of the senior leadership gutted, the performance of the winter sports teams is projected to fall. The Student Union itself is left leaderless, with Vice President Vishwaa Sofat having no choice but to take over and exert dictatorial control over the committee chairs, who are now competing for power.

In response to the ensuing chaos, Principal Contreras ordered an official investigation into what has befallen the missing students. In an unprecedented act, Contreras restored Señor Simon’s position as dean and expanded the jurisdiction of the deans over all of New York City. Exactly one day after the break ended, Contreras unleashed his dean hounds in search of the truant seniors.

“There’s no place for them to hide now,” said Mr. Moran with a cackle while the light of the crimson sun glinted off his head. He stood outside the house of a senior at the crack of dawn, ready to raid the place in search of him. Moments later he emerged, dragging a student by the collar as he kicked and screamed with a juul in hand.

“Nooooo…,” cried the student with his hand outstretched as the pod he dropped in the snow slowly disappeared as the inches piled on.

Back in Stuyvesant, it was business as usual. Seniors finally began showing up in greater numbers, mostly due to fear of the now unrestrained deans.

“All seniors must have perfect attendance from now on, or I will revoke even your 10th period PSAL frees,” Principal Contreras declared in an ultimatum.

The tone was ominous, but perhaps the increasingly authoritarian methods of the administration can finally provide an answer to the deadly plague of senioritis.