Tall People Everywhere Diminished by COVID-19 Vaccine Side Effects

As one pandemic comes to a close, the side effects bring about a worse pandemic: not being able to reach the top shelf.

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After millions of Americans across the United States have been vaccinated against COVID-19, the shocking news of unexpected side effects diminishes the hopes of the sheeple who have received this vaccine. Pfizer, Moderna, and the other one have all admitted that their vaccine comes with cruel, unforeseen side effects that will leave people everywhere grasping for straws—literally, once they’re too short to reach their too-tall cabinets, that is. What’s that, you say? This is already a problem short people deal with? Sorry, I need you to speak up: I can’t hear you from up here—I proudly went vaccine-free.

Enough shilling. Let’s get down into the gory, life-altering side effects that will knock you off your high horse and into smaller-sized pants and shirts. According to recent studies, if you are above five feet tall, the COVID-19 vaccine will alter your height…toward the destination of Lil Nas X’s famous pole. You heard that right; regardless of whether you chose Pfizer, Moderna, or that other one, the side effects are universally stunting. People over five feet tall are reporting a shocking regression in height normally only displayed by Danny Devito and people over 60.

According to Dr. Anthony Fauci, the science behind this new phenomenon, dubbed “ShortVID-19,” is incredibly complex; I’m no Science writer, thank God, but I did take biology in freshman year, so I kind of know what I’m talking about. Scientists say that in the process of creating the vaccine, the RNA was genetically modified to diminish the telomeres of the height gene X Æ A-12. Much like Dream’s various scandals, these modifications then rapidly spread throughout the entire body. From there, excess cytoplasm of the cells is released in the form of sweat and that weird eye crust you find in the morning.

Here at The Spectator, we pride ourselves on truthful, insightful commentary. What goes unmentioned in most “real” articles is that this is just the evil plots of 30 years of liberal lies finally catching up to us. Their “equality” is showing up now. Forget tracking devices in your vaccines: when everyone is exactly five feet tall, who needs tracking devices? These snowflakes want to take our hard-earned inches from us, but we say no!

Actor and producer Samuel L. Jackson, known for his tall stature and deep, baritone voice, is one of the most famous cases of ShortVID-19 and deeply laments his loss of height and voice. No longer will he be able to act the cackling villain of doom; now, he has been reduced to kindergarten nightmares. I had the chance to speak to him in an exclusive, off-the-record interview. While I couldn’t make out much of what he said, what I did hear sounded like an angry mouse squeaking and crying. How utterly pedestrian.

While we’re on the topic of celebs, Prince Philip didn’t pass away from “natural causes.” The singular jab of a needle to his fragile, choux-pastry-like skin caused him to, in one of the most extreme cases of ShortVID, rapidly shrink until one of the famed Queen’s Guards stepped on him. May he rest in peace knowing that his cause of death lives on Twitter as McDonald’s Sprite instead of the much more humiliating “shrinking and being crushed.”

Short people everywhere, new and pre-existing, are now facing the same issues of an inherently biased society that favors average-height folks. And to this grave injustice, I must say, “Haha! Sucks to be you.” For I knew from the start that all this vaccine-shmaccine bull was just a way for the short liberal agenda to win over our tall, mighty, strong Republicans.

ShortVID seeks to divide us all, diminish our bonds, and cause our stature in the world to shrink. For the first time in the history of the United States, we have become a laughingstock amongst other nations. What do you mean we’re already a laughingstock? That’s not what Fox News says!

*The Spectator may or may not be certified to provide medical advice. These statements may or may not be confirmed by the WHO (we’re still waiting to hear back, even though I sent them 10 emails in the span of five minutes). Peruse at your own risk. You must be over the age of 18 to read this article. If you are not, close this newspaper now and dispense it at your local Starbucks. Batteries not included; see store for details.