Stuyvesant Students Under Investigation for Series of Car Accidents Over Summer

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Issue 1, Volume 114

By Alexander Chu 

Besides SAT studying, Stuyvesant students have historically worked toward earning their driver’s licenses over the summer, usually passing with flying colors (as Stuyvesant students normally do).

But this summer, the results haven’t been adding up. Multiple Stuyvesant students were involved in major car accidents—a record-breaking 13 car accidents in a single summer break.  

“I swear to god, I wasn’t the one driving,” senior Alyssa Chan said, still disoriented from a head-on collision in front of McDonald’s. “I think there was someone, or something controlling my body. I hope car insurance covers this.” 

The Spectator investigated the site of each car accident and discovered evidence of something far worse than racial stereotypes: demonic possession.

“Trust me, these cases aren’t as unusual as you would think,” senior Denji Fujimoto said. “Across the specialized high schools, Stuyvesant actually has the least amount of demonic entities; Brooklyn Tech takes the lead for that one.”

“With the popularity of other forms of sacrifice, such as sacrificing sleep for that project, or the (unsanctioned) sacrificing of a freshman to help with Ivy League college admissions, demonic entities are experiencing an unprecedented surge in opportunity,” Fujimoto continues. “These car accidents are just the worst forms that these entities take; more minor ones are cheating on your significant other, dressing up in a maid outfit, or, worst of all, dating a freshman.”

Luckily, the demon has been identified by the Devil Hunter Association, with the first name being Car’zal. The last name has not been revealed, as it is needed for banishment from this realm. 

We interviewed some car crashers to see how the demonic possession affected them, and how they were convinced to do such heinous acts. 

“If I didn’t crash into that tree, he said that he would lower my SAT score by 100 points! If that happened, Harvard would NEVER look at my college application!” senior Ican T. Drive cried. “I would dishonor the previous seven generations of my family if I didn’t attend Harvard.” 

“I don’t know what it did, but that oak tree just looked like it was missing a car-shaped dent in it,” junior Tree Holden said. “I’m a huge environmentalist. I'll never forgive Car’zal for allowing me to damage one of nature’s greatest creations.”

“I thought my car’s front bumper needed a hug, so I let it embrace five pedestrians. Hugging is good for mental health, you know,” senior Aniket Roy said. “What demon? I mean, I drank a little more Ghost Energy than I normally do, but otherwise, I was normal.”

For now, until the demonic incursion is over, The Spectator asks its readers to get a healthy amount of sleep and take the subway.