Stuyvesant Student Wins City Council Race

A Stuyvesant student unexpectedly wins a city council race by write-in votes and the city and the Stuyvesant community are shocked.

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A Stuyvesant senior was unexpectedly elected to the New York City Council on November 7, 2023. Lucia Milan, who insists she is of age, won the council’s 13th district by write-in votes, defeating the incumbent Marjorie Velazquez and Republican Party nominee Kristy Marmorato. The election had been expected to be close between Velazquez and Marmorato, but Milan, never having been a declared candidate for the council race, was never considered to be in contention.

The New York City Board of Elections (NYCBOE) reported an unexpected surge in ballots in the council election, which led to criticism from many that this was a continued sign of their ineptitude and incompetence. The NYCBOE tabulators, purchased in 1995, showed Milan winning in a landslide of 78 percent of the votes, with a 97 percent turnout in the unusually low turnout district. The NYCBOE rejected claims upon inquiry by The Spectator that the results were fraudulent, stating the results were accurate, and a free and fair election had occurred in which Bronx voters unusually chose to elect a high school senior. Statisticians hired by the NYCBOE from across the world confirmed that the result was fully within the realm of possibility.

Milan was understandably quite shocked by the results in an interview with The Spectator the day after the election. “Holy moly—I never thought such a thing was possible! The people of the Bronx made me a city councilor. I’m still dealing with those damn college apps, and I don’t know what to do on the council! Like what would a high school senior do with the most corrupt, boring nonsense that is politics? Politics lacks rizz. And also who would write in my name instead of voting for a candidate?” she inquired.

Bronx political leaders tried to spin the results to their own benefit. Chairman Michael Rendido of the Bronx Republican Party provided this statement to The Spectator: “The people of the Bronx have spoken. They have rejected the far-left socialism of the Democrat Party. Though they may have not elected our proudly conservative candidate for this largely Democrat district, they repudiated the Democrat Party today by electing a high school senior who we think will be a strong conservative voice for the Bronx, because she goes to Stuyvesant, and many of their parents are really conservative, and also because she is Italian. We look forward to welcoming Milan to the Council Republican Caucus. And don’t worry, Milan will be in good hands with our patriarchal reputation on the Council. She can also gladly work with us to implement strong conservative policies such as ‘bully every Stuyvesant freshman.’” 

Chairman Jamaal Bailey of the Bronx Democratic Party provided a very different statement to The Spectator: “Woohoo. No more Bruckner rezoning. The Bronx elected a high school senior who we will be able to control and influence due to her young age and Stuyvesant’s general indifference to politics. All we have to do is bribe her with a ton of Whole Foods coupons in kickbacks and bribes, and then when election time comes, give her a lifetime court appointment as a backup! And don’t worry; she can take her revenge on the Stuyvesant administration that has wronged her and finally give her senior class some damn gym lockers. Velazquez was already straying from our conservative beliefs in our liberal party, but Milan will fix this for us by being corruptible. She is gonna make Stuyvesant great again and the Bronx great again. And she is gonna help us cut the Stuyvesant school budget, so we can put that money in our pockets.”

Stuyvesant students had mixed feelings about the election of Milan to the City Council. Junior Neofytos Cleopatra was impressed at the outcome, stating, “Wow, Stuyvesant represent! After years of kicking us around, now they’re finding out. This is a major victory for the Stuyvesant community. Can’t wait for Milan to clean up the mess at Stuyvesant, and she can start by actually giving juniors a deserved junior bar!” she said. Freshman Reshma Jerônimo was concerned about the outcome, however. “I fear that this victory will be used by the seniors to kick us around like footballs. They already share our gym lockers and make them unusable; now they’ll use a city council seat to make our lives worse. They could finally ban freshmen from the second floor and deport us all to the ninth floor.” she worriedly stated. Senior Shiv Sundri was unusually concerned about the outcome, stating, “Lucia might make Stuyvesant great again, but now she has the best extracurricular of any of us: a job in politics. And a Wikipedia page. Like, my position as president of the Stuyvesant Among Us Club can’t beat that. The colleges will be gleeful to take her, but not me!”

The greatest concern about the outcome of this election was what exactly Milan would do on the council. After all, she was still a senior who might leave the city depending on her college plans. As a result, Milan was the target of bribery schemes and lobbyists demanding her vote. Milan reluctantly chose to join the Democratic Caucus, since they held a supermajority on the council, but wished to emulate Washington in not otherwise joining a political party, since it would lead to civil war.

The outcome of this race demonstrates the power the Stuyvesant community has amassed through the election of Milan to the Council. From antagonizing the Metropolitan Transportation Authority to annexing Brooklyn Tech to holding political power in the halls down the street from Stuyvesant, Stuyvesant is now a force to be reckoned with. It can no longer be be held back.