Stuyvesant Politics: Pen or Pencil

The most controversial thing at Stuy these days isn’t the homework, the teachers, or the schedules, but the ultimate decision: pen or pencil. Following the recent dismantling of the U.S. Department of Education, the government gave states the choice of determining whether schools use pen or pencil. Hochul decreed that every school must democratically choose whether to use exclusively pens or exclusively pencils.

The election was to be held in early November. The conflict initially appeared to be trivial, but it quickly escalated into one of the greatest upsets in Stuyvesant history, surpassing that of the 2023 SophFrosh SING! victory.

First, the school administration decided that the votes would be best decided in an electoral system where each homeroom is awarded votes corresponding to the grade level of the students. This resulted in outraged freshmen who claimed the system was disadvantageous to them because it gave them three-fourths of a senior’s vote.

The tensions immediately sparked in-group-out-group ideas, and students became suspicious of members of other parties. The parties campaigned by rallying and hiring spam bots to promote their message. Soon, people of different parties wouldn’t sit with each other at lunch, and hallway brawls were common.

On election day, 95 percent of the students participated in the election. The absent voters were marker-enthusiasts who protested the entire election. The results were close. The Pencil Party actually won the popular vote with a 52.4 percent majority. However, the Pen Party won with 532 electoral votes as opposed to the Pencil Party’s 455. This was the primary cause of controversy as it deeply politically divided the Stuyvesant community over the objectivity of its voting system. Older sources stated that the results mirrored those of the ‘86 Reign of Terror by the Democratic People’s Republic of Stuyvesant.

On the first day of the Pen Regime’s term, they signed 32 executive orders, one of which called for the immediate mass burning of all pencils belonging to the student body. They then produced propaganda using the mascot “Ballpoint Billy” to indoctrinate students. Furthermore, the regime used pens to bribe The Spectator into becoming a propaganda machine that only published stories approved by their leader, Supreme Stylus. The corruption of The Spectator was the first step in the path to Pen domination. Once a government controls what people think, there is no limit to its influence.

Pen supporters pressured the school administration to replace the Student Union (SU) with the Pen Union (PU). Eventually, with the support of thousands, the PU overthrew the school administration and became the sole ruling power.

Opposition movements quickly grew out of the conflict. The Kindness Initiative Leading Learning to Expand Regarding Stationary (K.I.L.L.E.R.S.) protested the regime, utilizing walk-outs as a key strategy. Although K.I.L.L.E.R.S.’s protests were peaceful, a radical institution called Graphite Organization of Nationalism (G.O.O.N.) emerged and committed a compass-related prank that resulted in a student being sent to the nurse’s office and receiving a Spider-Man Band-Aid to treat his injuries. The student is still physically and emotionally recovering from the trauma.

By this point, 30 percent of the student body had joined G.O.O.N. The remaining 70 percent of the population was as follows: five percent adamant marker-enthusiasts, 20 percent pacifists, and 45 percent Pen loyalists. In the weeks following its stunt, G.O.O.N. sketched a plan for a civil war to instate the pencil as the one and only writing utensil of Stuyvesant. Against all odds, the Pencils won the war using guerrilla tactics such as dishonestly reporting Pen supporters as in-school phone-users to the deans and even going as far as to hack Pen loyalists’ Jupiter accounts.

G.O.O.N.’s successful coup resulted in a monarchical pencil-pushing regime being instated, which erased the voice of Pen supporters. Under the new government, the pen trade was forced underground, creating a black market where thousands of dollars of goods circulated daily. This resulted in the establishment of Pen Mafias, which had a mutual agreement with the Pencil government where the Pen Mafias were allowed to do business, as long as it didn’t reach the classrooms.

However, the Pencil Monarchy’s rule didn’t last long, for soon, a major division appeared within the party itself: Wood vs. Mechanical. This conflict was arguably even more heated than the initial one, as it resulted in complete political destabilization. Emperor Pencilius favored wood. However, the majority of the nobles favored mechanical. This even created conflict among the lower eraserfs (a portmanteau of “eraser” and “serf” coined by Pencilius himself). The Mechanites would intentionally sharpen wood pencils until they were a size so close to completion that no mortal had ever witnessed anything like it before. This mortified the Lumberjacks, who, in response, shattered numerous pieces of pencil graphite, crippling the Mechanites. Neighbors betrayed neighbors; friendships crumbled.

Eventually, the division resulted in a complete governmental collapse, creating anarchy. Some argued that the system was chaotic and unjust. Others believed that this brought the school closer to its original freedoms, but the majority of the population agrees that the school must move on from its era of authoritarianism, and freedom of stationary is the first step towards a brighter future.