Stuyvesant High School Summer Camp for Overachievers (TM): Worth it?

In an unprecedented move designed to traumatize—I mean, intellectually enrich - the city’s brightest teens, Stuyvesant High School has launched its first-ever Summer Camp for Overachievers (TM), a six-week program combining rigorous STEM prep, rustic outdoor activities, mild panic attacks, and a sprinkling of existential dread. The camp has been set up in the wilderness of distant New Jersey, with new materials shipped in exactly once over the whole program.

“Parents were getting worried that the summers off are destroying Stuy students’ academic capabilities,” said camp director and former Advanced Placement coordinator Mercy Lessner, while assembling a Bunsen burner out of pinecones. “Besides, nobody wants to see their moody teen at home after a long day at work. So we airlifted in a Red Bull vending machine, strong melatonin, and 4000 graphing calculators. Half the time, students don’t even realize they left Manhattan!”

If you’re still not convinced to sign up, here is a list of some of the activities that students claim “are so much fun, you’ll be dying to leave… no, really, I’ve been starved, frozen, and nearly drowned—all in the name of advanced calculus. SEND HELP.” 

1. Icebreakers

 Students literally break their own ice for drinks.

 “It’s a great way to bond with other students through communal hatred of physical activity,” Lessner explained. 

“What a horrendous waste of time,” freshman Abur Rito complained. “We aren’t even allowed to use any of it! Ms. Lessner pours it all into her iced lattes.”

“But did you make friends? THAT’S the important part!” Lessner argued. 

“I mean, I guess I did, if you count almost accidentally hacking off somebody’s toes with a pickaxe–” 

“That’s perfect! See, besties for life!” Lessner proudly declared. 

2. Survival Calculus

Campers must derive the volume of their own canoe before they’re allowed to use it, while in the middle of a piranha-infested lake. We hope you paid attention in swim gym!

3. SAT Scavenger Hunt

Hidden somewhere in the woods are hundreds of school-issued Chromebooks, only one of which has Wi-Fi and sufficient battery for a student to take their SAT. Which lucky student will get to take their test while successfully evading other frenzied campers? Maiming, threatening, and begging are allowed. Also, watch out for the bear(s)!

4. Physics Campfire Stories

Classic and terrifying tales like The Boy Who Didn’t Take Multivariable Calculus Before Sophomore Year and The Girl Who Got a B+ and Disappeared.

“I thought there’d be s’mores,” said sophomore Scarlett Bullina, as she plotted integrals under a tree. “Instead, we’re eating freeze-dried salads and solving proofs to earn matches. I miss the city. By the way, is this melatonin strong? I took 200 grams and I’m not even a little bit sleepy.”

“Well, we got the stuff they use in the tranquilizers for elephants, so… maybe stop drinking Red Bull? You know, energy drinks and melatonin cancel out LIKE THOSE VARIABLES ARE SUPPOSED TO—no more quinoa for you, Anita,” Lessner sighed in reply, scribbling something on her clipboard. 

“NOOOO! Quinoa is the best part of my week! I just forgot to simplify!” Bullina wailed. 

Not to be outdone, even downtime is academically optimized; Students get a 0.3-second power nap before continuing with “camp” activities. 

“We don’t do arts and crafts,” said counselor Chat G.P. T., a Harvard graduate student who hasn’t slept since 2019. “We do ‘origami for optimal aerodynamics.’ We fold little paper cranes and then analyze their flight properties. One kid built a flying one that now delivers homework to other cabins. The class was so successful that we no longer need to use helicopters to restock Red Bull!” 

“My flying crane earned me a $5 scholarship!” junior Pearson Pobrecito told us. “Five whole dollars! That’s almost enough to buy a Red Bull from Ms. Less—I mean Scarlett…”

“Wait, whose name were you actually going to say?” our reporter pried. 

“It’s our camp director,” whispers Pobrecito. “Ms. Lessner’s making all the campers dependent on Red Bull to increase the program’s productivity. Rumor has it that any student who doesn’t have at least a 10 percent GPA increase just disappears! I built the crane so I could control how much Red Bull the camp gets. So far, Ms. Lessner has no idea.”

While some students certainly aren’t enjoying their experiences, the program has received a 100 percent approval rating from parents. 

“My son’s cortisol levels are higher than ever. He’s finally motivated!” declared one mother, whose 14-year-old is currently rewriting the camp’s AI ethics curriculum because it wasn’t “emotionally authentic enough.”

“I don’t have to smell—um, see, my daughter at home,” another said. “The house is finally stink-free,” he sighed, sipping a can of Red Bull. 

“DAD! THAT WAS MY LAST RED BULL!” Bullina had reportedly screamed across the clearing. 

Despite the mental exhaustion and the mysterious rash that spread after the Quantum Frog Dissection Workshop, enrollment for next year’s session is already full.

“This camp changed my life,” said junior Cri Baybee through clenched teeth. “I can now crash out and code Java at the same time.” 

“The college rejection simulator is a great resource,” senior Fake Ster claimed. “I got rejected from every single college I applied to, and I didn’t shed a single tear. Thanks, Camp Overachievers (TM)!” 

“So amazing, I really loved the part where I almost got eaten by piranhas because my calculations for the canoe were 0.001 off! I would recommend stocking up on Red Bull, though,” freshman Anaya Late told us. 

“No, no, let’s not drink any more Red Bull, please,” Pobrecito begged. “We have to get this camp canceled.”

Due to the smashing success of the program, the Stuyvesant administration has decided to create the Stuyvesant Winter Retreat for Prodigies (TM), coming next year! It will include snowball fight algorithms, labs to fix and reverse the effects of climate change on glaciers, and mandatory essay writing under threat of hypothermia.