Stuyvesant High School Converts to Stuyvesant Data Center

BREAKING NEWS: The Department of Evil’s (DOE) plans to turn Stuyvesant into a data center have been leaked and are now in action. When NYC’s King Mamdani was questioned about this new, ongoing project, he said, “It’s not Bronx Science, so I don’t care,” and then returned to making NYC great again. Plans boast that the data center will modernize Stuyvesant, introducing a new era to Stuyvesant and the rest of Tribeca!

Swim gym will no longer be an offered course, as the pool water (including the chlorine) has been mixed into concrete to create a stable foundation for one of the data centers’ many server rooms. The data center needs tons of RAM, which will be taken from computers at Stuyvesant, doubly helping to advance the ban on electronics. Books in the Stuyvesant library have all been changed to works of literature that are only comprehensible to true robot connoisseurs, including any bestseller written by authors with the name Claude and even books written completely in binary. The data center will change many parts of Stuyvesant students’ lives, and as a courtesy for welcoming these new changes, all stuy.edu emails are being converted to chat.gpt emails that even come with an email limit. How considerate!

Stuyvesant’s arts classes will also be enhanced by welcoming the new technology. All music courses will play sheet music that is pumped out by the data center. Orchestra and band students say that they’ve “never heard quite such interesting music” after playing the new, off-key songs. However, many users claim that the unreadable notes are actually a representation of discord and insanity in AI’s take on modern music. Visual arts classes are also not exempt from this new technological modernization. Say bye-bye to bananas on walls, as the future brings art classes where the fewer prompts you use to “demonstrate” your artistic capabilities, the higher your grade. This is a huge opportunity for students to hone their creativity and artistic expression!

Many ELA teachers now suspect that students are using AI to complete their writing assignments, but have no way of proving it. They are now resorting to using invisible prompts, enhancing writing assignments by helping students include fun words in their writing. Bananas.
Reports also show mysterious sightings of AI slop around Stuy. Eyewitnesses report having seen shadowy figures of a stick holding what looked like a baseball bat in the Hudson Staircase. Many suspect the mystery figure to be linked to the constant breakdown of escalators, though that could also be caused by students never walking on the left side of the escalator. 

Just like other schools with lead-poisoned water and flickering lights, Stuy’s resources aren't enough to satiate the data center’s voracious need for energy and water. Skyrocketing demand for energy has been resolved by turning the Battery Park into an actual battery. Now the name isn’t misleading anymore! The construction of this new battery has disturbed long-time inhabitants of the park—the geese—who have decided to retaliate by attacking the battery. Students who go out near this spot during their 11th period lunch should stop by to get free goose meat, fried to the perfect crunch. Making the park even more delicious, the water in the Hudson River has been drained and replaced with polluted, er, chocolate-flavored water to meet the water needs of the data center. These new delicacies are lessening the workloads of the lunch ladies, showing that the data center’s needs also have positive effects!

The Chambers Street station also now honors this new data center. The 3 train has been renamed to the Triple T train in honor of the legendary Italian brainrot figure loved by all! Additionally, while train stations are already hot, the data center plans to turn up the thermostat via climate change. By breaking heat records, it will help the station eliminate all rats.

With this new data center, Tribeca has been enhanced from the “tribe” in its name into the future. These seemingly destructive plans have actually brought great change to Tribeca and its environment. Coming up next: Brooklyn Tech!