Stuyvesant Class of 2030 Acceptance Letter

Dear Freshling,

Congratulations! I am delighted to inform you that you have been selected for admission into the Stuyvesant Class of 2030! If I were standing behind you, I’d pat your back and gently caress your shoulder before offering you a small juice box and a cookie.

Be proud! You’ve managed to squeeze your way into the most selective high school in all of America! And a squeeze it was. Actually, I remember your name when we were deciding on acceptances. I’m sure you’ve already heard, but we set up a huge wheel in the basement—like the Wheel of Fortune except with 30,000 names. The Admissions Office has our angelic Principal Yu spin the wheel, and whoever’s name it lands on gets digested into Stuyvesant. The original plan was to put cool-looking golden tickets into chocolate bars, but unfortunately that didn’t pan out so well. All of the people who won tickets were eight-year-olds and three kids who got accepted like 80 times. Anyway, on the 168th spin, a group of rats pushed the wheel 300 names to the left. Stuyvesant’s rat colony usually helps in the admissions process, and that leads to the occasional mishap. Actually, more than occasionally, but that doesn't matter, because guess whose name the wheel landed on! Congrats! You’re about to be shipped off to the trenches!

Keep in mind that full-time tuition for the 2026-2027 school year is at least 100 fewer hours of sleep and enough Red Bull to kill a whale. If you fail to follow through on this essential part of joining Stuyvesant, the acceptance will be retracted, and you’ll be catapulted away to Brooklyn Latin.

Upon entering the Stuyvesant building, there are rules which you must follow. First of all, at Stuyvesant, administrators expect nothing but absolute grace and elegance. That means… DON’T WALK FUNNY. Instead, try navigating the hallways with a little whimsy, like a skip in your step or the occasional cartwheel or flip. Backflips are only allowed on Tuesdays, and frontflips are only allowed on Fridays. Always remember that you are in a school, not a Travis Scott concert. Refrain from wearing your heart on your sleeve; instead, wear it on your right glute for the sake of formality. We also expect that students constantly sport an authentic 17th-century collar to honor the great Petrus Stuyvesant. And don’t forget to wear your Stuy-branded wigs throughout the year! Breaking school rules will result in serious punishments, listed below in order of severity.

1. You will shave your eyebrows.
2. Your right ear will be given to Mrs. Maggio.
3. You must willingly donate your body’s electrical output to the up escalator between the fifth and seventh floors.
4. Your brain will be uploaded into the Epsilon Matrix to live in eternal purgatory. 
5. You won’t be allowed to take any AP classes.

Congratulations again! We’ll see you in the fall, as expected! You can’t run away now!

Sincerely,

The three and a half people at the Stuyvesant Admissions Department