Humor

Stuyvesant Administration Annexes Brooklyn Tech

The Stuyvesant administration claims that Brooklyn Tech is historically a part of Stuyvesant and forcibly annexes it using military force.

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The specialized high school rivalry has just reached a new climax—Stuyvesant has begun to assert its superiority over all of the other specialized high schools, including its chief rival, Brooklyn Technical High School. The Stuyvesant administration has started to treat Brooklyn Tech as a rebellious school firmly under its grasp, as Brooklyn Tech students are now referred to as Stuyvesant students under school policy. Official Brooklyn Tech documents are rejected, and Brooklyn Tech students are detained for truancy within Stuyvesant.

Principal Seung Yu declared in a fiery speech that Brooklyn Technical High School was, by history and makeup, an integral part of Stuyvesant High School on the morning of March 1st. “There is no such thing as Brooklyn Technical High School. It is merely an annex of Stuyvesant High School in Brooklyn,” Principal Yu said. “Since our founding in 1904, we have been one Stuyvesant High School. Stuyvesant students moved between our main building in Midtown Manhattan (before we moved to Battery Park City) and our Brooklyn annex freely for classes (even if it took half an hour to get between the two buildings and still does).”

Assistant Principal of Health and P.E. Brian Moran echoed Principal Yu’s sentiment. “We share a common culture, common age groups, and common subway routes. Students in this Brooklyn annex are our fellow Stuy students, and faculty in this Brooklyn annex are our fellow Stuy faculty,” he said. “Brooklyn Tech is a bourgeois concept invented by the Park Slope elite. They are misleading our students and faculty and turning them into radical fanatics.”

Brooklyn Tech responded in fury to the Stuyvesant administration’s aggression. Lothaire Florus, a junior at Brooklyn Tech, said, “This is asinine! Brooklyn Technical High School was founded in 1922, one century ago, as an independent and completely distinct entity. We have our own school publications, our own radio network. This is our school! Stuyvesant can’t take our school from us. Stuyvesant has no claim to our school in any manner. They need to shut up!”

Along the same lines, Shamash Aeneas, a sophomore, said, “We can’t just let these Stuyvesant freaks steal our school. They are power-hungry idiots of Tammany Hall, and we are not propped up by the rich Park Slope politicians. They are hypocrites who want power.”

Stuyvesant students, on the other hand, enthusiastically supported and promoted the so-called “liberation” of Brooklyn Tech. “We are liberating Brooklyn Tech from the corrupt political machines that are twisting their minds,” Student Union President Shivali Korgaonkar declared. “They are our fellow Stuyvesant students, and the political machines are making them drift away from us into their own separate entities. For example, they have recently begun their own publications separate from ours, including the creation of a newspaper to rival The Spectator!”

Melita Arseny, a freshman, expressed her excitement. “I can’t wait to meet my new classmates. We are all Stuyvesant students at heart, and whatever is corrupting them will be removed from their systems. I hear the freshmen don’t use Facebook as much as the seniors do, just like us!” she said.

Brooklyn Tech was soon forcibly annexed by Stuyvesant on March 3, 2022. Surrounded by thousands of National Guard troops, Yu and Korgaonkar moved to free the school from its Park Slope occupiers. Brooklyn Tech students and faculty began a massive resistance against the National Guard troops, throwing anything they could find at them along with sabotaging the electrical and plumbing systems within Brooklyn Tech to make the building a logistical nightmare to capture. However, the Brooklyn Tech students were significantly outnumbered and were forced to surrender the school to Stuyvesant.

Despite Stuyvesant’s victory, a number of Brooklyn Tech students launched a resistance movement against their newfound occupiers. “We will never surrender! Brooklyn Tech is our school,” Nada Kayin, a senior rebel, stated. “If Stuyvesant wants our building, they will have to fight to take it from us. We will make it difficult, if not impossible, for them to hold our school.”

In the end, the resistance fighters were forced out by graduation and Brooklyn Tech became the Brooklyn Annex of Stuyvesant. The next generation of Stuyvesant Tech students were open and glad to be controlled by Stuyvesant’s administration, even if it meant the end of Brooklyn Tech’s identity. Brooklyn Tech was no more, and the age of Stuyvesant “Brooklyn Tech High School” High School had begun.

After the successful conquest of Brooklyn Tech, Yu looked for more schools to conquer. The Bronx High School of Science looked to be a promising target as one of the three elite schools that remained as competition to Stuyvesant, along with Staten Island Technical High School. After that, Stuyvesant would easily sweep the remaining specialized high schools. Afterward, Stuyvesant would annex the feeder schools, such as Mark Twain Intermediate School and Christa McAuliffe Intermediate School, to fully control the supply chain of elite students. The sun has not yet set on the Stuyvesant empire, and it never will.