Stuyle: Drip or Drab?
Issue 12, Volume 113
By Malk Agha
Stuyvesant High School, widely acclaimed for its academically gifted kids, has recently become notorious for its dripless population. In this short list of the latest Stuy trends, we outline everything you should avoid like the plague.
- Pajamas and/or Crocs
Pajama pants are a treasured favorite among the student population (especially if you live .001 mile from school and can’t be bothered to wear actual clothes). We’re talking about the almost eye-blinding pattern of bright red checkered squares that gives off the “I just walked out of bed and right into the classroom” aura. People sporting p.j. pants just don’t have any swag. If you’re pairing them with crocs, that’s even worse—no one wants to see or smell your grippers through those holes. Even though this combination might be lacking, crocs can come in handy if you have Swim Gym (shower fungus, anyone?), and the pants provide supple comfort so you can sleep in class. But if you don’t want to look like a stinky slacker, consider following more appealing fashion trends.
Speaking of more appealing fashion trends, everyone knows at least one sneakerhead: that one kid who wears a different pair of ridiculously expensive shoes daily for the sole purpose of flexing. Usually, they have mounds of shoeboxes in their walk-in closets, an indicator of their superior status over all other students. There are also the chunky Fila shoes, a new variant of sneakers that seems to have erupted out of nowhere. Watch out for the loud noise they make in the halls. If you’re lucky, you’ll see someone toppling over because of these shoes’ gravitational pull. This trend can get annoying sometimes, but it’s much better than some of the other ones…
Well-loved among barbers and well-hated at Stuy is your common Edgar. These humans are classified as male and less than or equal to three feet in height with a mushroom haircut. They may or may not be flashing a scrumptious backside to the student population in hopes of attracting a “hot cheeto girl” (who fails to meet our acceptable drip requirements, for obvious reasons). Usually, Edgars are chill, sentient beings—but this isn’t about personality. From the bottom of our hearts, we implore you to
raise your pants up not come to school dressed in the likeness of an Oompa Loompa—you will not get game.
- Emo Drip
Everyone’s heard of the emos, but few have ever seen one. This is a good thing, but if you want to see an emo in the wild, we can’t stop you—the most concentrated emo population lives in the Hudson stairwell. Obviously, they’re not clumped up in groups (emos are solitary creatures). Instead, you’ll see them scattered along the floors of the Hudson like pieces of cardamom in your dinner. The sheer oddity and irregularity of the emo is displayed in this staircase of horrors. Wearing all-black clothing with their hair concealing half of their faces, pentagram bracelets on their wrists, and Lil Nas X shoes, emos compose about 10 percent of Stuy’s population—an endangered species.
- Things That Just Don’t Fit Together At All
Have you ever looked at someone (maybe your teacher) and thought, “Woah, that drip is horrendous”? If you haven’t, good for you—maybe I’m just a terrible person. But really, is a blue polka-dot shirt with maroon leather pants and Doc Martens not the worst combo in fashion history??? And it’s not just the teachers; some kids will roam the halls in outfits so mismatched that my legally blind great-grandma could pick out better combinations.
That’s all for Stuy’s latest clothing fads. If there’s one thing you should take away from this article, please let it be to put an ounce of thought into what you’re wearing in the morning. Otherwise, you might see someone trying to contain their laughter from across the room.