Stuy: Your Top Priority “To-Do” ListStuy: Your Top Priority “To-Do” List

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Issue 1, Volume 113

By Fiona 'Eve' Lin, Christian Kim 

Cover Image

WELCOME BACK TO STUY!!! First day of school and you already want to cry? Don’t worry… us too; it’s a tradition at this point.

Naturally, even though it’s the first day, you already want to get this whole ‘school’ thing over with, perhaps in the fastest manner possible. Well too bad, because that won’t be an option, so you might as well savor the full Stuy experience. After all, why would you come to Stuy if you didn’t want to enjoy all four of these years? You could have gone to Brooklyn Tech, y’know…

So tell us, are you up for the challenge? If so, you’re in luck because after much trial and error, many cups of coffee, and countless all-nighters, we’ve formulated 13 perfect tips for YOUR enchanting four years at the happiest place on Earth.

Pull a Couple of All Nighters

Basic, we know, but a classic staple nonetheless. After all, the more time dedicated to work, the more you get done, thus completing Stuy even faster, right??? (Christian Kim and Eve Lin are not liable for any sleep deprivation-induced injuries, including…)

Get Into Parent-Debt for Spending a Lot of Money on Coffee

Coffee is essential at Stuy—unless you have a consistent sleep schedule, which is not part of this list. But hey, maybe if you spent less time procrastinating…

By the way, have you done your homework yet (or even started)?

Skip a Class (or Even a Day) to Catch Up on Work

Ever feel so overwhelmed from all the schoolwork that all you want to do is stay in bed all day? Well, it’s only going to get worse from there, so instead you can tune everything out for most of the day and then freak out at 11:00 p.m. because you haven’t done any of the previous two days’ of work.

Join 30 Clubs Only to Attend One to Two Meetings and Then Dip

We get it, the renaissance devil inside can get the better of us sometimes.

Apply for Many, Many APs Even After Hearing All the Horror Stories from Upperclassmen

If there were two words to describe the students enrolling in AP Chem, it’d definitely be “dumb” and “dumber.” You’ll probably have an average in the low 50s, but at least you’ll get to say that you took an AP class (and have many horror stories to tell in the future)!

Lead PE Stretches

Ummm… No thanks?

Good. That was a trick one. Never lead stretches in PE.

Sneak into the Senior Bar and the Junior Atrium

Why would anyone actually want to hang out there? It’s beyond us, but we suppose that it’s a worthy spot if it gets the upperclassmen upset. ;)

Terrorize the MET Museum for Your Little “Art Project”

Honestly, the destruction and chaos that occurs when a horde of Stuyvesant kids storms the MET can be considered a work of art in itself.

Say that You’ll Drop Out of Stuy About 235.6 Times Already During the First Week of School

Why the .6? Well, it’s for the time that you were going to say that you’ll drop out in a call with your friends—but your mom walked into your room with a plate of fruit.

Sit in the Hudson Staircase and Contemplate Your Life Choices

The perfect place to hide away and contemplate (cry) over your choices… given that you can ignore the group of students trying to film a budget Among Us skit in Spanish and the student prancing around in a fairy costume for a reenactment of Romeo and Juliet.

Get Your Phone and/or Headphones and/or ID Confiscated by Batman and Boy Wonder—We Mean, Mr. Moran or Mr. Simon

It’ll cost you your pristine record and possibly a phone call home, but hey, you only live once!

Break an Escalator

Self-explanatory. Perfect for those looking to have a very enjoyable time at school—you’ll make a ton of friends by announcing that you’re the one who broke the escalator! If you want to really double down, go for the elevator (we haven’t seen that happen yet).

Develop a Questionable Digital Footprint

Vent about your teachers, homework, and life in public Stuyvesant social media (these articles included…)! It’s definitely not infiltrated by teachers—and definitely won’t come back to bite you when you apply to colleges later on (never getting into zaddy MIT now…).

Make Some of the Closest Friends You’ll Ever Have

At this place, friendships aren’t just friendships. They’re survival pacts. After all, misery loves company.

Join the Best Department in The Spectator (Humor, duh)

Do we need to explain?

Alright! May the odds be ever in your favor as you embark on this journey filled with many blessings and curses. Now excuse us as we head to the Hudson stairwell to contemplate our life decisions…