Issue 12, Volume 113
By Tara Suri
Ah, you’ve just found yourself in the most blissful situation that can be found at Stuyvesant High School: your teacher has announced that you’re going to be watching some random documentary that may or may not have anything to do with the class. Who cares, though? You’re here to sleep, not learn.
With one quick motion, the lights turn off, and suddenly you’re in complete darkness (except for the light coming in from that stupid window in the back). You finally have the perfect opportunity to catch up on some much-needed sleep.
But first, which sleeping position? There are so many to choose from…
Your elbow digging into the desk, your face smushed into your hand, and your poor, poor neck twisted and turned: it’s perfect if you are planning for a lifetime of neck pain. Plus, there’s nothing worse than your elbow conveniently slipping off your desk, jerking you awake. But it’s so simple and good enough for a quick nap.
4/10. This isn’t amateur hour. As a Stuy student, you can do much better than a classic like this. Points off for neck pain!
If you are lucky enough to sit behind a giant (they are either one of the fake students sent in from the FBI to ensure that no classes for Stuy worldwide domination are being taught or someone who has been drinking the secret chunky milk from the cafeteria), you might be able to carefully position yourself right behind their insanely large back.
5/10. A pretty acceptable method; hopefully there are enough giant people to go around. But your plan falls apart as soon as your teacher begins walking around or the giant decides to go to the bathroom, so it’s not the best option. (I do, however, recommend becoming best friends with the giant.)
You don’t seem to follow the school’s STRICT dress code, much to the anger of the scanner ladies at the entrance. Wearing hats, beanies, or hoods in school is a violation of school conduct, and you could end up in detention or worse. Some violators have reportedly been seen crawling at Moran’s feet for the rest of the day, their hair coverings replaced with a bald cap. According to him, it’s deeply upsetting to see students squander their full head of hair, when some people aren’t even given a chance. However, wearing a hat is a great way to sneak in a few z’s, and pulling your hat down to cover your eyes is an excellent way to maintain plausible deniability.
6/10. Unfortunately, your brilliant plan only works in two cases: if it’s Christmas time (where it is perfectly normal to be wearing a Santa hat!) or if you have a teacher who’s chill enough to allow hats, beanies, or hoods in class. Despite its dependence on specific situations, pulling off this move is genius.
How dare anyone suggest that you’re sleeping in class? You are actually intently staring down at your work holding a pencil in your hand—your other hand only happens to be covering your eyes. Sleeping? Definitely not. Hard at work? Of course.
7/10. Not a bad choice, since you’re perfectly camouflaged in a room full of other diligent students. Just remember to wiggle your pencil every few minutes or so as not to arouse suspicion (and have fun trying to decipher your notes later).
Are you too well-mannered to put elbows or heads on the table? Would you rather sleep sitting straight up and momentarily jerk once every few seconds when you feel your head falling? Incredibly embarrassing when you finally take a look around and see everyone staring at you.
10/10. Thank you for providing endless entertainment for your peers (not gonna lie, watching your head snap up and down has saved at least one poor soul from falling asleep).
Oh, to have guts like you. Maybe you don’t mind the evil stares from teachers when they catch you slacking off. Head down on your desk. Sprawled out like you’re at home as a puddle of drool forms on your desk. Not even trying to hide the fact that you’re sleeping in class as your snores shake the room. You obviously don’t care. But seriously, who do you think you are? Either you are so done with the class that you really don’t care, or you’re one of the other Stuy kids who definitely pulled an all-nighter studying for a test that you WILL pass.
11/10. You truly distract from the other students who are dozing off, so I appreciate you taking one for the team. No, seriously, I admire how little you care.
**Disclaimer: The Spectator Humor Department does not condone sleeping in class to any extent. All decisions to try out one of the above methods should be made at the reader’s own risk. Caution is advised. Stay awake, Stuy!