So You Do Not Have Your ID…
Issue 9, Volume 113
The student ID: the most despised three-and-5/16 inch by two-and-1/16 inch piece of plastic in the world. While every Stuyvesant student wants to throw their ID into the Hudson River so that they never have to see the ID photo that makes their forehead three times too large again, it is our only way to enter the school—unless you want Mr. Moran to tackle you, that is.
Nonetheless, sometimes you just do not have your ID. You probably chucked it away on your way to school on your birthday so you did not have to hear the ID scanner sing a distorted version of “Happy Birthday” to you. After losing my ID by doing exactly that, I can now expertly guide you on how to get into the school building on time. I promise you that all of these methods totally work, as long as you do not question their efficiency (and as long as you do not mind possibly being written up). The key word is “possibly.”
Option One: Bribery
Do not give me the look that you are making right now. We both know that bribing the ID scanner monitors will not be the first time you commit bribery during your time at Stuyvesant. I am omniscient. I know what you did to that poor freshman last week, and you should be terrified. However, that is beside the point. Let us just say, between you and me, that some ID scanner monitors here at Stuyvesant would kill or, I guess in this case, sneak you by, for one of Terry’s pizza bagels. And no, not Ferry’s, but Terry’s pizza bagels. I am looking at you, Terry’s traitors. If somehow none of the scanner monitors give in to the temptation of one of Terry’s heavenly, delicious, mouth-watering pizza bagels, please message Madelyn Li Nunez on Facebook, and she can take it off your hands.
Option Two: Gaslighting
“What do you mean? Of course, that is my photo on the screen. Did you not hear the bing! go off when I scanned my ID? Do I need to get you a stronger prescription for your glasses? I think you also need to clean all of the earwax out of your ears. Because I did scan my ID, and it did go through the computer.” This blurb is known as the “Pledge of Gaslighting.” This will be your argument whenever you choose to pull the gaslighting card. It is the sharpest tool in any Stuy kid’s arsenal, considering how much they use it: “No, of course you didn’t assign homework yesterday!” The “Pledge of Gaslighting” is recited more times in a Stuy kid’s life span than the Pledge of Allegiance, and this is a fact because I know that you know that you have never seen any student stand up to say the Pledge of Allegiance during the three-minute nap time—sorry, announcements—every morning.
Option Three: Impersonation
This option is not that simple. If you choose impersonation, you must understand what you are getting yourself into. For this step, you must choose your most disliked teacher (I suggest a teacher that most recently gave you a bad grade— I have my own in mind), kidnap them, discard them, and simply pretend to be them. Nothing more, nothing less. You really have to commit to this option to execute it properly; otherwise, it is a pretty easy one to complete (I am not talking from personal experience at all). Despite this, I know you are not as perfect as I am, so if you slip up in some way or another and the cops show up at your door, you never read this article (see option two). In fact, what even is The Spectator?
Option Four: Breaking In
Mr. Stephan’s class: a.k.a. the “bring-your-jacket-to-class-unless-you-want-to-freeze-
because-the-windows-are-always-open” class. For those of you who have not yet taken Music Appreciation or took it online, the windows leading into Mr. Stephan’s classroom are on the same block as Terry’s. As you walk down the block, just look through every window until you are peering into a classroom full of an uncanny amount of desks and chairs that have to be considered a hazard somewhere. All you need to do is slip through the window, and then you have successfully entered the school without your ID. The only drawback to this approach is that you will have to pack a saw in your lunchbox to break the metal bars installed on the windows.
Option Five: Common Sense
In the case that Terry’s runs out of pizza bagels, you are such a disappointment that you can not memorize the “Pledge of Gaslighting,” your kidnapping skills are subpar, and you cannot find a saw, it might be a bright idea to just walk into room 209, fill out the “I Forgot My ID Form,” and cough up the $3 ID fee. And yes, you literally have to cough up the $3.
And there you go. That is how you get into school without your ID. However, if any of these options backfire, Idid not write this article. Principal Yu did.