Single Pumpkin Looking to Date Again

Reading Time: 4 minutes

Issue 4, Volume 111

By Oliver Stewart 

Cover Image

Citing the rapidly approaching Halloween season and the struggles of being alone, Steven The Single Pumpkin confirmed on Thursday, October 15, that he was looking to get back out there and start dating again. Though Steven hasn’t been on the market since his saucy fling with a pumpkin scoop ended messily early last November, he feels that now is the time to put himself back out there and give the apps a try.

Anonymous sources confirmed that Steven created accounts and set up profiles on several apps—Tinder, OkCupid, and among them—in the hopes of attracting a pumpkin, gourd, cobweb, spider, skeleton, or witch looking for a long-term relationship. When questioned as to what he specifically looked for in a partner, Steven had difficulty explaining and repeatedly said that the appearance of a “spark” was vital in a relationship. “I don’t know,” he went on. “Something special. I need somebody who has that something special.” When pressed further, Steven was unable to identify what exactly that something special entailed.

While Steven matched with an array of people and swiped right for many more, he struggled to elicit responses. Despite pulling out all the stops, Steven had difficulty getting texts back no matter what he tried. Playing it cool and dropping a “hey” didn’t yield any success, and neither did pickup lines, including hard-hitters such as “Halloween is coming up… you should go as my girlfriend” and “Are you a jack-o’-lantern? Because you’re lighting up the room.” He even started a conversation with a cute skeleton by saying “Heyy… do you have a bone number?” The skeleton could not be reached for comment by either Steven or The Spectator.

Discouraged by the lack of success he found on the apps and demoralized by Halloween night’s rapid approach, Steven began to accept the possibility of attending Halloween parties alone and sitting on a windowsill by himself for the duration of the month of October. “I admit, the carved smile is definitely feeling a little forced at this point,” he said, seeming melancholy. “I think it would be really nice to have the option of letting my emotions out, y’know? Unfortunately, I have no choice but to grin all day, every day, and my carver didn’t even have the decency to give me a full mouth of teeth.”

When Halloween night finally came, Steven found himself staring out the window as merry trick-or-treaters passed by his house in full costume. He had RSVPed to several parties taking place at different times that night, but he just didn’t have the energy to put on his little pumpkin lid, let alone make the trek to a bustling party across town. Instead, he sat on his windowsill watching ghosts, werewolves, Spidermen, and cats file past, laughing and eating candy. A single drop of pumpkin juice slid down his smooth orange exterior as a sexy nurse walked by hand-in-hand with a flannel-clad lumberjack.

At 11:30 p.m., Steven rose, telling himself that it would be rude of him not to make an appearance at his friend Marlene’s party which had started half an hour prior. At least, he thought to himself, Marlene’s “party” will be more of a get-together. No flashing lights or pounding music to contend with. Straightening his pumpkin cap, Steven rushed out the door, reentering when he realized he had forgotten to put in his best candle before rushing out once more and heading toward Marlene’s place.

Marlene’s party was, as promised, an intimate event, which Steven found himself both grateful for and dreading as he hung his lid up by the doorway. The quiet was nice—he was certainly in no mood for dancing, but there was nowhere for him to hide—no way for him to melt into the crowd and forget about his desperate pumpkin solitude among a thousand other seeking souls. Rather, there were about 20 souls in the vicinity, and almost none of them seemed to be seeking. In fact, around half were in couples’ costumes, a fact which Steven felt was really nothing more than the universe taking the opportunity to rub his nose in it.

After making the necessary introductions, Steven drifted around, picking up a few bites to eat and eventually settling in a corner where he gave the room a quick once-over before focusing his attention on his plate of food. Stabbing away at some green olives he had gotten from a bowl labeled “eyeballs,” Steven forgot his sorrows and instead focused his ire on the fact that Marlene would serve olives with the pits still in and not provide a designated receptacle for the stones. “I mean, who does that?” he grumbled to himself.

At least, he thought he was grumbling to himself; a disembodied voice came from somewhere to his right and said, “I know! Who does that?” Beyond shocked to receive a response, Steven looked up, startled. There, standing by the door, was the most beautiful candy corn Steven had ever seen. Steven stammered, lost for words, and she filled the space he left. “I’m Autumn,” the candy corn said. “What’s your name?”

“I’m Steven,” he said. “Your name is Fall? Because it seems like I’m Autumn for you.” She stared at him blankly. The little pumpkin cogs in Steven’s head whirred and he realized, to his embarrassment, what he had just said. “Wait! No. I meant… wait, let me try again. Okay.” He breathed in deeply. “Your name is Autumn? Makes sense, because I think I’m falling for you.”

She laughed. “You’re Autumn for me? I’ve never heard that one before.” Steven blushed and looked at his olives. “Seriously,” Autumn said, “I can’t believe there’s no pit bowl.” He looked up and laughed nervously. “This ‘party’ kinda sucks,” she went on. “What do you say we take these olives and go back to my place? I have a bowl we can use for the pits.”

Without waiting for an answer, Autumn grabbed his hand and pulled him toward the door. She picked up the bowl labeled “eyeballs.” The door slammed behind them, and they ran down the stairs, laughing as they went. The street outside was cold, but as they stepped out into the night air, holding hands, Steven felt his candle burn a little warmer and a little brighter.