Russia-Germany Scandal Shakes Europe

In the most shocking scandal of the hour, a scared Poland exposes to The Spectator that the Motherland, Russia, and the Fatherland, Germany, are secretly back together for round two.

The shocked duo tried to hide their affair but were caught in their love nest by Sweden gazing across the water. The authoritarian dictatorship, age 479, was scandalously seen with the democratic nation, age 156, exchanging military technology in Kaliningrad. This age gap relationship of massive proportions was a shocking scandal for the ages. Germany came in a more modern suit, but Russia was dressed in the traditional Soviet style, most likely to remind Germany of their past relationship. Russia was also heard venting frustrations: “How could you cheat on me with France? I just—I just can’t believe this…” Germany vowed that he would partition children with only her. As soon as the exchange was finished, both of them slipped back to their home territories with as little paparazzi as possible.

Russia and Germany first became an item for the partitions of the Republic of Both Nations (1772-1795), then got back together for an outrageous final partition of Poland in 1939. Unfortunately, they went through a nasty breakup when Germany stabbed Russia in the back in 1941 by launching Operation Barbarossa. Both of them fell under controversy for child abuse multiple times, although our least misinformed native Russian correspondent, Joeseffsta Lin, told us that all the allegations against Russia were baseless and a Western attempt to slander Russia.

Poland declined a request from The Spectator to comment on the famous 1939-1945 custody battle that saw U.S. intervention and which her mother ultimately won. Could there be some sort of cover-up here? Poland also previously stated that both of them were “very abusive” and that “partitioning your children should never be allowed.” Historically, Poland has enjoyed extreme success in not not being partitioned.

Sweden slammed both Russia and Germany’s actions on social media site Z, formerly known as the U.N., stating that “partitions are NOT acceptable in the modern day. I am confident that Poland will successfully resist.” However, as our very informed and educated readers will know, Sweden also invaded Poland multiple times (most notably in the Swedish Deluge and Polish-Swedish Wars), so this seemingly innocuous statement is in fact a hypocritical attempt to deflect from Sweden’s own history.

This is a developing story that will be updated.

UPDATE

The Motherland once more initiated a breakup after finding out that Germany partitioned Yugoslavia with both Italy and Hungary in WWII. Germany flailed around, trying to defend himself by claiming it was a long time ago. It’s surprising that Russia (and probably most readers) was unaware of this and had never read a history textbook before this. It’s probably all the censorship going on over there. Russia has publicly taken to Z, writing that “this behavior is SCANDALOUS, unacceptable, and INFURIATING. WE ARE DONE.”

When we reached out to Russia, she broke down in tears and said that she never expected that Germany would ever betray her in this fashion. After weeping for a few years, she vowed retribution against the countries involved.

UPDATE

In another shockingly scandalous turn of events, Russia invaded Ukraine, igniting a multi-year war. The Motherland announced that she was determined to seize custody of her children and live up to her name in an outrageous turn of fate. The U.S. offered to serve as Germany’s lawyer, while Switzerland, as always, pretended not to notice anything. “It’s been that way ever since he was sent to private school in 1515,” claims Italy. “He claims to be ‘too cool’ for a good old fashioned great power conflict now and snubs everyone else.”

Outrageously, Germany and Russia both declined to comment on the state of events, but Belarus expressed definitely-not-coerced pity for Russia: “It’s just been so hard on Russia… the most benevolent, peaceful government in the world being pushed into a war to defend her homeland. I mean come on… Russia’s always been a peaceful country.” Transnistria howled like a maniac to express similar sentiments, adding that “Russia’s neighbors just didn’t feel like existing and that’s all there was to it.”*

*As our highly informed readers are undoubtedly aware, several Russian neighbors, such as the Republic of Novgorod, the Emirate of Bukhara, and the Crimean Khanate, have had the misfortune of being in the way of Russian expansion.