Raiders of the Lost Report Card

Hi, the name’s Lenny Walton and I’m currently being chased by a horde of depressed ghosts in a school. Let’s rewind to a day ago. (Insert movie rewind noise.) I was hired by an anonymous person to investigate rumors of a hidden treasure on the 11th floor of the abandoned building of Stuyvesant High School. Now, you may know my cousin Dr. Henry Walton, a.k.a. Indiana Jones, a famous explorer who is known for his adventures. However, only a few people actually seek out my private investigation office. Business has been slow these days, which brings me here, standing in front of this school building. The school looks horrific on the outside, but I still enter the main doors, albeit with caution.

        The inside looks like something straight out of a horror movie; the only thing I’m happy to see are the escalators. Unfortunately, they aren’t working, and walking up all these stairs is a pain in the butt. After climbing the stairs, I reach a floor that was once home to a lunch room. There’s some food splattered on the floor, and it looks pretty funky even without the mold. I feel terrible for anyone who has to eat these foods daily. I’m starting to wonder why I even took this job, but you gotta pay the bills somehow and I can’t live off crushed ramen every day. 

I’m heading up the stairs and as I reach the top of the 10th floor, panting heavily, I hear the noise of someone wailing in the stairwell. With chills running down my neck, I decide to make a run for the 10th floor because an unofficial rule of surviving buildings like these is to never investigate strange sounds (unlike the idiotic main characters of every single horror movie). I’m panting by the time I reach the hallways of the 10th floor, and as I stop for a moment to catch my breath, locker doors begin to swing open with ghosts clawing out!

You know how they say your life starts to flash before your eyes when you’re moments away from death? That’s a bold face lie, because the only thing I’m thinking about is what the f–french toast happened inside this school. These spirits look like students, and they are wailing multiple things at once. The sentences I catch are, “I’m about to bomb my test,” “Who woke me from my sleep?! Seriously, I need it,” and “Coffee. Coffee. Coffee. Coffee.”  

My fight-or-flight response kicks in, and so I run through the halls. I hear the wails following me as I enter a classroom. I quickly roll over the desk and duck under it, as the ghost noises get closer. I start thinking, Please, please, please, let me live! I mean, who’s going to feed my goldfish, Goldie, when I’m gone? My life has barely even started and now it’s about to end!

As I worry, I realize: Wait, why aren’t they surrounding me yet? I look up from under the desk and the ghosts haven’t even entered the classroom yet because there’s something stopping them. I cautiously approach the doorway and see a piece of paper on the floor. As I pick it up, they start whimpering and I realize that it's a report card containing all F’s. Damn, that’s kinda impressive. I hold the paper close to my chest and scoot my way out of the classroom. I start running down the stairs to the exit and as I start to relax, I wonder, Wait, considering how ghosts work, can they even touch me? When I reach the exit, I take a marker from my pocket and write, ‘Do Not Enter, depressed ghosts lie ahead’ on the report card and leave it at the entrance. Just a little something in case some dumb kids try to enter to record a video of the place. I’m just happy I’m done with this school; it’s a nightmare in here.