Quesadilla Clara: Issue 8

A revival of the popular advice column by Clara Shapiro ‘22.

Quesadilla Clara,

Some of my friends have been talking about me behind my back, and it’s really bothering me. Should I confront them or just let it go?

—Big Back, Sophomore

Dear Big Back,

Ah, the sting of whispered words and the ache of betrayal. To confront or to let go—that is your quandary. 

In times like this, I find solace in the wisdom of the ancients. Consider the words of Greek philosopher Epictetus: “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” Before unsheathing your sword for confrontation, lend an ear to the winds. Is it absolutely certain that these whispers are, in fact, proliferating as fast as it may seem? Often these rustles persist in echo chambers that falsely amplify the true reality of these occurrences.

These whispers are often a reflection of the things we ourselves are insecure about. Bleh! There is nothing wrong with loosening the lock that secures your being—a person can be either secure or insecure, but, like any lock, those who are secure still have vulnerabilities: no lock is unpickable. Everyone has a vulnerability. The secret is, as we say colloquially, to “fake it ‘til you make it.” Roar at the masses, and don’t allow them to see the places they can pounce at. Portray self-confidence, the likes of which humanity has never seen! You will soon find the whispers to cease, or you will find that you don’t give a cow’s turd about them anymore.

Your friends are speaking behind your back? Pooh! Translate their position from (x, y) to (-x, -y)—a 180 degree turn—and have them talk about you in front of your back, or, in other words, straight to your face. The easiest way to do this is to get a huge tattoo on your back that says “SAY IT TO MY FACE YOU ******S”, and the moment you get even an inkling of a feeling that someone is talking about you behind your back, rip off your shirt like a WWE wrestler, pose, and have them stare in awe at both your muscles and your intimidating tattoo.

Now, if you do find substance in the whispers, consider whether or not this is a friendship worth saving. If you do decide that this is a friendship you would like to salvage, approach your friend. Conversing with others, even people you consider friends, may be hard, but a simple, “I've sensed a distance between us; is there something we should discuss?” can open the gates to candid dialogue. Do not be accusatory; rather, open a channel for honest communication. 

In the end, you will find your way.

Yours truly,

Quesadilla Clara