Humor

Progressive Initiatives Completely Eliminate Class Cutting

In an effort to reduce instances of student misbehavior, area-access scanners are introduced to every corner of the school.

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Below is the progress report on several school-wide initiatives that have been undertaken in the past year:

The class cutting count has officially been brought to zero documented cuts per week, thus completing our goal. With the purchase of our handy scanners and the implementation of our efficient reporting system, students will be under the surveillance of their teachers at all times.

We purchased six new scanners for select locations in the school, including the Innovation Lab and the third-floor gym, in addition to a portable scanning station for each of the school safety team leaders.

We launched our pilot scanning program at the entrance of the cafeteria during December of 2019. Through a unanimous vote, it was decided that students were permitted to cut class only during periods one, two, and three. Students are prohibited from cutting class from periods four through eight because there is a greater probability of food fights ensuing during those periods.

Due to the evident success of the cafeteria scanners, we expanded our program to include other venues. The scanner at the junction between the stairs and the fourth floor keeps traffic moving in one direction. The scanner in front of the gender-neutral bathroom on the fifth floor verifies there is only one user in the restroom at a time.

We invited the deans to approach students at the senior atrium and interrogate them about their schedules. Unfortunately, the sophomore bar had to be closed down because it had two entrances and could not be monitored effectively without causing confusion and/or panic. Certain students have opted to stay in their classes through the passing period for the fear of being carded, or “scheduled,” in this five-minute window. Others have been spotted climbing in and out of windows to avoid being marked absent by their teachers. More than one student has attempted to translate Snapchat’s Face Swap filter to real life so they can appear in the class they were assigned to for that time.

The library has ensured that students do not have access to the library during their science frees. Access to textbooks would detract from time that could be spent studying.

Students are rewarded for reporting instances of their peers cutting class. Rewards include decorative tape, whiteout, and free pencils. Repeat reporters are sent to the office of Assistant Principal of Safety Brian Moran and are given a $25 gift card upon release.

It is essential that we recognize the importance of prohibiting students from applying their own schedule stickers to the back of their ID cards. Without this regulation, the stickers would certainly be applied upside down in many cases, and the free periods on the schedules would be inverted.