Programming Office Releases New Schedules on Halloween

Happy Halloween, Stuyvesant! We, the esteemed Stuyvesant High School Programming Office, have decided to give all students new, spooky schedules in honor of Halloween this year. We’ve elected to forgo the course request stage altogether and randomize student schedules instead, since the classes you get placed in will be roughly the same either way. We are running on a B2 extended trick-or-treat distribution schedule. Here is your schedule of the classes you’ve been placed in:

1. Foundations of Murder (8:00 p.m. to 8:45 p.m.)

In Foundations of Murder, students get to learn the history and necessary skills of murder. Covering everything from machetes to poison to hitmen, this class gives students an in-depth understanding of murder, and projects throughout the course provide opportunities to gain hands-on, real-world experience with murder techniques through a series of activities in which students get to murder increasingly difficult targets! This class has no exams, and students are primarily graded on their success in murder projects. (Note: Stuyvesant High School is not legally liable for any murders that occur as a result of this class.)

1. Black Cat Appreciation (8:45 p.m. to 9:30 p.m.)

Tired of studying for your Art and Music Appreciation classes? Then Black Cat Appreciation is the class for you! In Black Cat Appreciation, students get the opportunity to spend hours learning about black cats and their extensive history, and a large portion of the class is dedicated to watching cat videos. At the end of the course, cats will be brought into the classroom, though they may choose to curl up in the corner and ignore students.

1. Witchcraft (9:30 p.m. to 10:15 p.m.)

In witchcraft, students learn the history, theories, and skills behind the art of witchcraft. A perfect class for any student who loves making explosions in their science classes, witchcraft gives students a hands-on introduction to the ancient art of magic. This class is taught exclusively in ancient Latin and Greek, and necessary supplies include phoenix feathers, unicorn horns, and stardust. Though the effectiveness of the techniques taught is dubious, the vibes of the class are not.

1. AP Showering (10:15 p.m. to 11 p.m.)

A Stuy kid’s worst nightmare.

1. Soul-sucking (11:00 p.m. to 11:45 p.m.)

If Stuy hasn’t already sucked your enemy’s soul away, this class is for you! In soul-sucking, students learn how to suck the souls of their academic archenemies and eliminate their college competition. 

1. Jack-o’-Lantern Carving (11:45 p.m. to 12:30 a.m.)

All students formerly scheduled to take woodworking will now take Jack-o’-Lantern carving. Jack-o’-Lantern carving is an amazing opportunity to practice the extremely relevant skill of carving pumpkins, which you will use at most once a year for the rest of your life. A small portion of the class will be dedicated to making pumpkin-flavored foods with all the extra pumpkin and spices left over from Jack-o’-Lantern carving and decorating, which is actually a skill you might end up using more than once a year when working at Starbucks.

1. Lunch: The Hunger Games (12:30 a.m. to 1:15 a.m.)

School lunch may be a sickening experience, but never fear! The cafeteria is now offering a new and improved menu, serving fresh meals for all students who dare to compete for them. These delicacies were made with students’ health and enjoyment in mind with the help of dieticians and world-class chefs, and all ingredients are sourced from local, family-owned farms, where quality is guaranteed. Some notable dishes include spaghetti and eyeballs, green goop soup, and on Fridays, a special witch’s stew composed of tears and tortured souls, prepared by our very own witchcraft and soul-sucking classes!

1. AP Indoor Cycling (1:15 a.m. to 2:00 a.m.)

AP Indoor Cycling is equivalent to an advanced-level college course in indoor cycling. In this terrifying class, students will be assessed regularly through challenging quizzes, ensuring that they are ready for the AP test at the end of the year.

1. Trick or Treating for Dummies (2:00 a.m. to 2:45 a.m.)

In this course, students explore the tradition of trick or treating, from its Celtic origins to its current form in popular culture. Students also practice every aspect of trick or treating, which includes choosing and distributing candy, begging for candy (which is a useful skill for people with a crippling fear of human interaction), and learning all types of tricks to play on unsuspecting victims.

1. Haunting (2:45 a.m. to 3:30 a.m.)

Is there someone you don’t particularly like? You should consider taking Haunting! You will learn the psychology behind fear so that you may effectively torture your victims. Teachers even invite real, professional ghosts who offer valuable knowledge for students who aspire to be haunters in the near future.

1. AP Crime Statistics (3:30 a.m. to 4:15 a.m.)

AP Crime Statistics is an introductory college-level statistics course for students with an interest in crime. Students cultivate their understanding of crime statistics through in-depth analyses of real-life scenarios to explore trends and make predictions, and at the end of the course, compete to see who can create the most statistically significant increase in New York City crime rates themselves.

1. Horror Writing and Acting (4:15 a.m. to 5:30 a.m.)

This fun course offers a well-deserved break from your hectic schedule. Students consider what makes horror stories so frightening by reading popular works such as Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein or Stephen King’s Pet Sematary. Then, students will use these stories and their own personal experiences as inspiration to create and act out their own horror stories. This class emphasizes realism, allowing students to act out the scenes in their stories in the real world, murdering and impaling others as they deem necessary! (Again, Stuyvesant High School is not liable for any murders that occur as a result of this class.)

1. Pest Hunting (5:30 a.m. to 6:15 a.m.)

This class is perfect for students who despise the pests that lurk within Stuyvesant’s walls. Students will obsessively study the day-to-day life of mice and cockroaches and explore a variety of techniques, such as traps and chemical sprays, to effectively eliminate these critters. At the end of the course, students will compete to see who can kill the most of them, and the winner will receive a 100 in the class!

Program change requests will be due on September 31, 2025, so to request a program change, you will need to develop a time machine. Best of luck, and we hope you enjoy your new schedule!