Post-Break Test Rush Triggers Student Protests

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JAN. 10, 2019 — In a last-minute attempt to deprive their students of sleep and truly prepare them for the college experience, the teachers of Stuyvesant have begun partaking in a mad dash to announce tests in the weeks before finals begin. The World Languages department was the first to schedule a test and/or quiz every single day before finals week. The Assistant Principal of the department, Ms. McAuliffe, defended its decision in a brief public statement: “How else will we test our students on the preterite, subjunctive, past subjunctive, ongoing present, continuous progressive, and [garbled speech] verb tenses? This is the only way to prepare our students for the Spanish and French that they will definitely take in their college years.” The Mathematics department came in at a close second, managing to cover every other day of January with “factually challenging assessment periods,” which is mathematician slang for “tests.”

The unprecedented crowding of student schedules proved extremely unpopular with the student body, already overloaded with extra-credit assignments, group projects, and chapter readings that were supposed to have been done over the break. The educational developments led to the formation of enormous lines of sleep-deprived, caffeine-demanding students at Terry’s, Ferry’s, McDonald’s, and Dunkin’ Donuts. After a rise in the price of coffee at those locations, riots broke out among the exhausted students, who donned yellow Supreme jackets and banded together to protest the crowding of their schedules.

However, the purpose of the riots has expanded beyond mere scheduling issues; most students have declared their intent is to continue the riots until the administration fixes the escalators.