Overconfident Freshman Takes Bio SAT Early

Smug freshman Khan V. Dent decides to take his SAT II early, claiming that he already mastered the course.

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By Darren Liang

After taking less than a year’s worth of biology, rising sophomore Khan V. Dent stated that he was “overqualified for the Biology SAT” and that the “test was going to be a cakewalk.”

Despite having (as sources discovered) a meager 75 average in (regular) Biology, Dent repeatedly denied claims of failing tests, instead blaming his poor performance on caffeine deficiency (despite coming in half an hour late to period 10 biology every day). Dent also told interviewers that he stopped paying attention the moment they finished the two-day lesson about the reproductive system.

“I don’t even know why we bother anymore,” Dent said. “I already took a week’s worth of prep that one time in middle school. And, like, this stuff about the reproductive system and making babies? My dad already taught me this, like three or four years ago? Easy stuff, man.”

When questioned about the upcoming lessons about ecology, Dent brushed off the remarks, responding with, “You mean the thing with the animals? It’s simple, you know? ‘Circle of Life,’ the stuff with the animals eating the stuff or something. Something like that. I’m sure they’ll give a 50-point curve for those questions anyway.”

In a follow-up interview, Dent stated that he “learned more from the graffiti on his desk than from the actual teacher,” listing off his secret desk guru’s incredible teachings, including such revolutionary discoveries like “plants are green,” “dead animals smell bad,” and “8==D”.

Piling onto his ever-growing list of biology knowledge, in the heat of the moment, Dent boasted that he could list every single cellular organelle off the top of his head in reverse alphabetical order, as an example of his p r o f i c i e n c y in the subject.

“Let’s see,” he said. “There’s the mitochondria…yeah, that one. I knew that one even before school started. It’s the one that makes the energy or something, ya know? And there’s also the, uh, the round one, and the wrinkly one.”

After 20 more minutes of intense concentration, the interview had to be cut short when Khan’s answers eventually turned into repeating “that thing” over and over again. In his closing statement, Dent told reporters that he had also scheduled an early AP Biology final for the end of the month “for an easy 100, lmao”.