One of Those Rare Times When You Shouldn’t Play the Triangle

It was the day we all dread—everyone in my AP English class was gone to take the APUSH test, all but five students, who were stuck with our complete sadist of a teacher. 

As soon as the bell rang and my teacher realized that the classroom was as empty as the Senior Caucus’s promises to lower prom prices, he ordered us to clear the center of the room, as it was his “stage.” 

“Guys, I know we’re all tense because of APs, so I decided…”

We all took a sigh of relief, certain that he was about to give us a free period.

“We’re gonna spend the first fifteen minutes of class doing a talent show! No, not with you guys!” he barked as my classmate Timmy got ready to start aggressively playing the triangle. “With me!”

He put on a pair of hot pink tap shoes that we all thought he just kept around as decoration to affirm his Kenergy, clipped on some bedazzled suspenders, and started tap dancing to “Baby” as he bellowed, “I’ve got Bieber Feverrrr!”

His rhythmic tapping drove me so near insanity, I felt moved to get up, put on my spare pair of hot pink tap shoes and bedazzled suspenders, and join him. But just then, his act ended, and he moved on to the next order of business, spilling his life story to a room of unsuspecting 16-year-olds.

“So who wants to get to know me a little better?” He asked with an evil grin spreading across his face. We weren’t quite sure what to say.

“Aw, look at you guys, coming up with creative ways to say ‘yes’ to me! Well, if I must, I suppose I’ll go ahead.” He then cleared his throat and began, “On October 3rd, 1981, a baby boy was born…” After about five minutes, he had moved on to discovering his life’s mysteries.

“You know, I think that when my father went out to get the milk, he meant cheese and he’s just still waiting on it to age properly…” 

We then progressed to his love life: “And then she LEFT me (sob)”

“Ermm, didn’t she just leave the house, so she could go to work?” I inquired.

“WRONG ANSWER,” he cried.

Finally, as the warning bell rang, and everyone gratefully started packing up their books, he turned back to us: “Where are you going? I have some important words of wisdom for you guys!” And then he turned to the classic — the attempt at motivational speaking that every teacher makes when faced with few students and an entire class period.

“Look, guys. I know you’ve all been wondering for like, forever. How do I get to be like him?” He gestured dramatically at himself. “Well, I’ll tell you something. You’re not a failure if you don’t end up exactly like me. I mean, I get it. Totally understandable.”