New Zoom Updates! (Super Fun!)

Zoom releases a series of updates that get increasingly bonkers.

Reading Time: 5 minutes

Hey Zoom users! Welcome to our company blog where we will be sharing comments and thoughts on new updates. We wanted to let you know that there will be a blog post before every major update; this way, you can know what to expect on this website!

Have a jolly day.

Update Blog: Jan 30, 2021

Zoom update team here! We’re back with more news about the latest Zoom updates.

First up, there was an abundance of comments on our website asking for students to be able to choose breakout rooms by themselves. The users claimed that it would make group work much easier and that if this were to happen, they would recommend Zoom to everyone they knew. So, obviously, we decided to add that function. We expected to see the number of users increase exponentially.

Unfortunately, while the number of users did increase initially, it decreased soon afterward. We were shocked to find that there were multiple complaints about how students were using their freedom to cause chaos. “Students are choosing breakout rooms arbitrarily and making it hard for teachers to handle. They are literally just hopping everywhere,” a commenter named Teaching@Stuy claimed. “They’re purposely choosing the same breakout rooms as their friends, not getting any work done, and wasting so much class time!”

Now, we’re conflicted. People wanted us to add that extension to breakout rooms, but others thought it created too much trouble. After much consideration, we decided to take away breakout rooms completely. After all, the best solution to a problem is to remove it by its roots. Without breakout rooms, there’s nothing for anyone to argue about.

Update Blog: Feb 12, 2021

Greetings! Now that our platform’s troubling issues have been irrevocably solved (Ha, we aren’t falling for your tricks again. We aren’t fools), we are excited to roll out a new set of emojis! Many of our users have been “bored” and “confused” with our previous choice of emoticons, including “Joy,” “Open Mouth,” and “Tada.” We recently received a number of unhappy comments about our removal of the “Coffee Break” emoji. We didn’t know how much people enjoyed leaving Zoom calls for a break! Well, have no fear because our research team just finalized a list of brand new emojis that are available right now! The lineup consists of “Volcano,” “Man Playing Handball,” “Banjo,” “Blueberries,” “Easter Island Head,” “Abacus,” and finally, “Biohazard.”

For those of you who want to show off your national pride, we have also introduced flag emojis for all the countries and provinces of the world. However, due to the overwhelming byte size that all the flags take up, we have opted to simply replace each flag design with a white background over which, in black text, is the name of that country. Software limitations aside, we hope that people will be inspired and empowered by these very low-quality images with incredibly small text.

As an unfortunate consequence of these numerous and variably applicable emoticons, we do have to completely remove the ability to screen share, as update testers found that if they used at least one of our array of emojis during a screen share, the platform would completely crash. Though presentations will no longer be possible, the demand for new emojis was too great to ignore. We hope that people will now be able to connect to each other on a deeper level through Zoom.

Update Blog: Mar 3, 2021

Hi again, this is the Zoom update team! We have received a vast amount of feedback to our last update, in large part from teachers, who have, to our knowledge, unanimously disliked the removal of presentations through screen sharing. We have responded to many angry letters, and we want to reaffirm that the staff at Zoom cares about the people who use our product, especially those who rely on it for education.

To be transparent, we plan to address another concern from teachers: virtual backgrounds. A number of distressed teachers have spoken out about students using displeasing or inappropriate backgrounds. One such educator, who chose to remain anonymous, said that one of his students “showed an image behind them that distracted and derailed the class, creating a disruption that [the teacher] could not deal with in the slightest.”

To solve this issue, we have removed the ability to create virtual backgrounds and replaced it with a fresh, new, and incredibly limited selection that, while remaining pleasing to the eye, will not draw too much attention. This selection includes “Licorice Black,” “Brick Wall,” “Coffee Brown,” and “Concrete,” as well as a one-hour video of paper being shredded. We anticipate people enjoying these fun, expressive backgrounds and for many to become familiar with the wide variety of colors, especially because they are being forced to use them.

Update Blog: Mar 28, 2021

We’re back with a quick fix to the current platform. Since the last update, we have received complaints from teachers that many of their students consistently turn off their cameras, as many would rather not be seen with the recently introduced virtual backgrounds. “The colors make me puke,” a student (going by the name of SchoolAin’tLit) commented. “Not to mention, the color gray is incredibly unflattering and makes me look like I’m in a jail cell.”

We were sad to see this development, so in order to improve the organizer experience, we have completely removed the option to turn off cameras. Many of you reading this may be concerned about your privacy, but have no fear because we have also implemented a feature that will remedy this problem.

We call this feature “Avert Attention,” and you can activate it with a button on the bottom left of the Zoom window screen any time you don’t want to be seen. When you press this button, red flashing text will appear on every other participant’s screen, reading: “PLEASE IGNORE [Your Name Here]. AVERT YOUR ATTENTION FROM [Your Name Here].” This will surely prevent all other participants from looking at whatever is happening on your camera.

Update Blog: Apr 22, 2021

With all of our new additions to the Zoom interface, there’s been an increasing amount of criticism targeted at how challenging it is to use the platform, especially for the elderly. “My family wanted to do a family reunion over Zoom last week, but my grandparents were unable to operate Zoom and couldn’t join the meeting due to technical difficulties. If only Zoom were more user-friendly for the elderly and non-tech-savvy people…” a comment complained. After hours of staff meetings and arguing about what to do to make Zoom easier to use, we finally decided on our master plan, which involves transforming Zoom into one easily accessible button! Super minimalistic and easy to use.

This update will be ready to download sometime by this week, so be on the lookout! See y’all next time!