New Tariffs Will Decimate America[’s McDonald’s]

WASHINGTON D.C.—This morning, the United States announced new tariffs on McDonald’s Island, which will take effect on June 9 of this year. McDonald’s Island is a micronation off the coast of Australia and is home to about 177,600 residents. 

It is also the United States’ primary supplier of burger buns and patties, among other food products, for the multibillion-dollar fast-food chain McDonald’s. For the island, these goods are the sole provider of their economy, with 97 percent of residents working in burger factories. Shockingly, despite their immense economic output, 100 percent of their population is composed of penguins. 

Mac Flurries, a five-year-old penguin and single father, described the drastic and sudden impact that the tariffs will have on him and his family. After his long and low-paying shift in the factory, he told us, “Squawk. Bawk. Chirp. Squawk.” Then, Flurries showed us an elaborate ice carving of his children. He pointed to a smaller penguin, who we presume is his child, in the carving and said, “Quack.” Not only did this bring tears to our eyes, but it showed how family-oriented and how great of a father Flurries is. It is so unfortunate that the new tariff plan is decimating everyday hard-working penguins like Flurries.

This effect is widespread throughout the island. Though it was quite unclear, other penguins were reported to echo his concerns. In the local fish market, Pin Guine, Flurries’ fourth cousin once removed, added, “Chirp. Squawk.” Despite the briefness and uncertainty of the quote, she demonstrated the dire economic situation developing on McDonald’s Island. 

Similar effects will be felt for America as these tariffs are projected to quadruple the price of Big Macs. Annually, over half a billion Big Macs are sold in the United States alone. However, after the implementation of these new tariffs, this number is expected to decrease by around half. 

One Texan, Micki Chikken, expressed her disappointment in the drive-thru microphone. “I need my Big Macs. I’m a BIG BACK!” she screamed at the poor, underpaid teenager in the window, before throwing her McFlurry at him.

However, despite the many disheartened Americans, in a peer-reviewed study, the Center for Disease Control reported that the new tariffs will lower obesity rates in the United States by 69 percent, lower high-density and low-density cholesterol by 40 percent, and increase Planet Fitness memberships by 37 percent. This will mark an all-time record high for the health of Americans even with the onset of a new mental health crisis caused by the lack of McDonald’s. Experts have dubbed the mental health disorder post-traumatic McDonald’s shortage disorder, or PTMSD. This disorder causes individuals to enter other fast-food chains, such as Wendy’s and Burger King, and pretend that they’re at McDonald’s to cope. 

Before placing the tariffs on McDonald’s Island, the United States also announced its plan to implement tariffs on Greenland. These tariffs are speculated to be motivated by the Trump administration’s desire to annex Greenland, which they believe is made of very green grass. The administration wants to solve the trade deficit (and burger deficit) by guaranteeing the use of all-American grass to feed the country’s plentiful all-American cows, currently starving under our very mid Midwestern grass, which will supply our all-American McDonald’s restaurants. However, experts project that this plan will fail. Despite its conspicuous name Greenland has, well, no green grass. On the contrary, Greenland actually has an immense supply of ice, which is another one of the administration’s favorite things.

In line with the Trump administration's Make McDonald’s and The Supplies for It Great Again policy (MMATSFIGA), tariffs on Ireland are also planned. The president claimed that the next Great Potato Famine, which he dubbed the perhaps the Greatest Potato Famine, is currently happening, as Ireland is stealing the United States’ potatoes. Supposedly, fast-food restaurants, specifically McDonald’s, are no longer able to put the fries in the bag and will also stop selling hash browns on weekdays. 

The administration hopes that the tariffs will ensure a rise in potatoes to mitigate the famine. However, economists and agricultural experts forecast that the tariffs will have the opposite effect, causing Americans to suffer from french fry withdrawal syndrome, or FFWS. The syndrome reportedly causes hallucinations, with individuals seeing their fingers as long and greasy sticks of potato. Given the price increases on both Big Macs and fries, there is a growing concern about the impacts of the tariffs on the economy, Americans’ mental and physical well-being, and of course, the penguins and the Irish.

Regardless, no tariff plan is worse than those to be implemented on the North Pole. Beginning on December 24 of this year, a 95 percent tariff on goods exported from the North Pole will cause no more American children to receive any toys for the holidays. This is deeply saddening as instead, their stockings and Christmas trees will be full of coal and, if they’re lucky, maybe their very own elf (not imported, of course). These items are exemptions to the tariff as the Trump administration hopes that young children, alongside their elves, will increase American energy with their newly acquired gifts. Simply put, the administration is literally encouraging their slogan, “Drill, babies, drill.” 

When asked how the tariffs on the North Pole align with the president’s American McDonald’s forward plans, he responded, “Are chicken nuggets not fossil fuels? We need to drill for them. The oil, specifically.” He must have mixed up the oil in the chicken nuggets with the oil in the Earth, but truly, what can be expected when ChatGPT plans the tariffs for you?

These past few days have demonstrated to the world that no one can stay clear of the United States’ new tariffs, not even the penguins, Santa Claus, or the Irish. To mitigate any impact on the country’s McDonald’s restaurants, Dr. Mony Bages McGee, Harvard professor of economics, had some advice for the President. He helpfully said, “Dude, I don’t know what to do. I’d probably eat a burger and pray to the penguin gods.”