New AP Classes Officially Unveiled

Despite the seemingly endless, tragic nights spent studying, and the nerve-wracking experience of taking AP tests, students at Stuyvesant can collectively agree that they need APs to give their lives meaning. What is a Stuy Kid^TM if not a sweaty tryhard who studies more for an AP exam that doesn’t give college credit (ahem, AP Precalc…) than for a driver’s test?

Although this lifestyle is a critical characteristic of being a Stuy Kid^TM, it is safe to say that for this exam season, students have had enough of suffering from chugging battery acid energy drinks and milking their braincows with Heimler review videos (sorry, history buffs!) at 3:00 a.m. But, fear not, dear Stuy Kid^TM, for Principal Seung Yu has launched new advanced course options, so students will no longer need to endure immense pain just to obtain that sweet, sweet five. Students will be able to participate in rigorous classes that spark joy in their cold, dead hearts, rather than cause them to go insane trying to memorize hundreds of niche facts and formulas. Principal Yu has released the first draft of the new course descriptions, which can be found in the infamous 261 Courses sheet. 

AP Lunch, which is an annualized course with junior/senior priority, will challenge students to expand their knowledge of global cuisines and the art of eating (yes, it is an art). Students will learn how to eat copious amounts of food at a time, as this course is taught by none other than the Joey Chestnut, famous for his record 70 hot dogs consumed in 10 minutes. Students are challenged to beat this record, and, as per the curve, are scored based on how close they get. The AP exam consists of two sections: a hot-dog eating contest, followed by a who-can-drink-the-most-water-without-throwing-up contest. Any student who taps out early is disqualified and therefore will score a zero on their AP test if they do not complete the makeup exam. This makeup consists of an essay compiling every single food the student has eaten in the past school year, alongside a detailed flavor profile of each meal.

AP Cooking, AP Lunch’s evil twin that lurks in the shadow realm, is one of the best APs to take if you’re seeking an interactive AP filled with experimentation, failure, and arson. The provided ingredients in this class are locally farmed sonions, whatever you can find in the labs (the hydrochloric acid is a game changer), and the outrageous amount of unheard-of chemicals found in energy drinks. Pro tip for this class: bring someone whose grades are officially cooked, and their Jupiter will start firing up five-star Michelin dishes. The AP exam consists of: a 10-minute showcase in a cooking reality show, avoiding getting both of your cheeks slapped with bread, attempting to cook food worse than the school lunch, and a full-on brawl using solely cooking utensils. Cheating tactics for this AP include: adding egregious amounts of MSG for that special umami flavor, sneaking subway rats in your hat to cook for you, and serving the judges a stack of 100-dollar bills.

AP Gym, taking place in the luxurious 11th floor swimming pool, will revive dead sports along with creating new ones. Square dancing? Never heard of that. Indulge in sports like the Mesoamerican ball game or German elbow clacking! The FitnessGram will also ramp up in difficulty. The Pacer? What about the Running-For-Your-Lifer? Planet Fitness plans to reform itself into Universe Fitness solely for this class, though being caught with a Milky Way will not reward you. The AP exam consists of activities ready to get your blood flowing, like performing in the Olympics, going on an extra keto diet, and working out in strenuous conditions for those maximum gains. 

In lieu of present-day slang like “performatism,” AP Larping will be introduced. So long to pretending to be educated and posing! Simultaneously, however (similar to the infamous AP Precalc/Calculus BC double period), there will be another AP course introduced in order to understand our ever-growing, confusing, oddly niche phrases—AP Pop Culture! This course was totally not intended to bring Stuyvesant an AP score boost with free fives—not at all. In fact, this AP course was designed in order to educate our fellow elders and let them know that something good can come out of doomscrolling. Perhaps this will also help foster socialization within the broader Stuyvesant community, as this course will be open to students of all ages (super-seniors included).

And, of course, we cannot forget to include the creation of the most useful AP—AP AP, where you learn how to make APs.

With these new APs, Talos plans to create an all new AP selection process that will last for five minutes, beginning at three in the morning, to accommodate for the very limited seats in these APs. Students will no longer have to resort to unreal methods of cheating with these light-work exams. These APs will reward students with no risk of organ failure and a potential extra 30 seconds of sleep.