My Tesla Will Save the World

A senior director at ExxonMobil discusses how his new purchase, a Tesla, will be the saving grace for all global issues.

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I’m a senior director at ExxonMobil, and I just bought a new Tesla. I had $50,000 lying around and didn’t know what to do with it, so I figured, why not?

It’s the best purchase I have ever made. When I first met Elon Musk at the Conservative Political Action Conference, he promised me that this would be the greenest purchase that I would make in my entire life. He was absolutely right. It’s like I own Elon Musk’s green little child. Or at least, that’s what I’m told on Twitter.

Since it’s electric, my two-ton metal death machine shouldn’t emit any of those gasses. I heard that this will be good for the youth, with whatever they’re always yelling about— “climate evolution” or something. Maybe they’ll finally leave me alone and stop protesting outside my desk job at ExxonMobil.

I’m also really excited to ignore the fact that the materials required for building the oversized battery pack in my car were mined by children in the Democratic Republic of the Congo. I truly don’t care about child labor. Why should we require age verification for children when it’s simply just an extra burden on parents? Children should easily be able to work dangerous jobs and help support the family! 

Charging the Tesla in my single-family detached suburban house in my random suburb with its VERY interesting, mundane architecture is going to be a breeze! I only need to have a whole garage, and I only need to demand that on top of the huge asphalt parking lots that are already built at every establishment, we also build more seas of asphalt designated for Tesla users. We, the Elon Musk simps, are rich, so if we require more paved land for our own use, it should not be used for housing. Why should the lower classes need housing when they could just work harder and become successful like us?

I also feel really safe in this car—it’s just like one of the tanks that the U.S. military used to capture oil in Iraq. And if I happen to get into a crash while driving home—either drunk from my corporate greenwashing session (the pub) or distracted from playing Mario Kart on the built-in 79-inch Samsung TV—the built-in safety systems and airbags should keep me safe! Sure hope they were manufactured properly…

I already have both my suburban house subsidized and all the subsidies that go into everything from the meat I eat to the gas required to ship the food I need. We also can’t forget the billion-dollar subsidies by the U.S. government for the coal industry, which produces the electricity used by my excessive single-family house and, of course, by my electric car. However, I really think we need another subsidy. I deserve a subsidy for my electric car. We humans will soon exceed our carrying capacity anyway, so I’m doing the world a favor by running kids over at intersections and damaging roads with my car’s excessive weight!

A true patriot should be grateful for my purchase, my Tesla, and my service. I promise that my Tesla will fight for the reversal of climate change, just like those heroes who fought for my company’s oil in Iraq.