Mutex, the Pain Reliever of the Future
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Are you tired of having to rest after bending down to pick something off the floor? Do you want to play with your grandkids without grabbing an ice pack? Are you just waiting for the antidote to your back pain? Well, we have the solution for you! Mutex is a drug specifically designed to combat back pain. This revolutionary drug picks you up on your feet and sweeps you away to old-people utopia.
A young woman comes on screen with bandages everywhere. WOMAN: I don’t feel my back pain anymore. Heck, I don’t feel my back at all! It’s wonderful! After I took Mutex, my head started to hurt so bad, I wished I could behead myself, but hey! My back is now the least of my concerns. She groans in pain.
Mutex works by exciting your pain receptors everywhere, so, in comparison, your back is perfectly healthy! See these receptors? An animation of a bunch of blue blobs on a cartoon human body comes on the screen. The ones on the back have sad faces. These back pain feelers are sad. But with Mutex… The other blue blobs around them are shocked with lighting. Blobs start sobbing and crying. One of them bangs their head on a nearby bone. Your back nerves are the brightest bunch in the crowd!
And guess what? Mutex does EVEN MORE! In a week, this revolutionary technology stops your pain entirely by relaxing your muscles and heart to the point of inactivity! After being fired up with the punch of Mutex, your body puts those cute little nerves to rest. Your brain will be so relaxed it’ll stop sending signals entirely. It’s a dream that never ends!
WOMAN: I use Mutex to be free from my back pain and any emotion whatsoever. I’m saying goodbye to the aches, groans, and my family. I highly recommend it. I promise you won’t be alive to regret it!
Mutex, the pain reliever of the future. Ask your doctor about it today!
Disclaimer: Mutex increases risk of Karen syndrome. Call your doctor if you have an obsession with managers, refuse to wear your mask, and/or tell random people to go back to their country. You might also get cancer, but you’re too young and healthy for that! Financial aid will not be provided because we like money. No refunds or exchanges, complete upfront cost, unless you would like to pay in installments with a 50% interest. The upfront cost is $3,487 for this brand-new technology.
Big Pharma endorses this message.