Mr Blumm’s Opportunistic Bulletin

Uncovering Mr. Blumm’s dark agenda.

Reading Time: 2 minutes

All Stuyvesant students are likely familiar with Mr. Blumm’s Opportunity Bulletin. The 140-page weekly PDF is a constant reminder of all the things that you could be doing other than playing Valorant at 3:00 a.m. The already guilt-ridden situation is compounded by the fact that your parents also receive the emails, allowing them to contemplate the depths of your uselessness as they scan through the hundreds of internships and academic programs that you have chosen to ignore. But where do these “opportunities'' come from?

Sophomore Sasha Barnes reported that she was beyond excited when she found a leadership position for an environmental conservancy and restoration project via the Opportunity Bulletin. She immediately applied for the prestigious role, and a few days later received an e-mail telling her to report to Mr. Blumm’s suburban home with a rake and garden hoe.

“Mr. Blumm explained that eight weeks of light yard work would be just the thing to round out my extracurricular activities, and the experience I gain could lead to even greater opportunities in a year or two. He said that the application process would be competitive, and he couldn’t make any promises, but that I would be seriously considered to manage his garden composting project next summer. Plus, it’s a leadership position!”

Junior Cyrus Zhu thought he was safe when he applied to an animal welfare internship down south. But red flags emerged when he was greeted at the airport by one Mr. Augustus Blumm of Duluth, Georgia.

“Mr. Blumm’s cousin has a lot of dogs, and they like to walk,” Zhu replied when asked about his summer experience. “Not much else to say.”

Another student, who would prefer to remain anonymous, told us that in addition to outsourcing yard work and menial household tasks through the Opportunity Bulletin, Mr. Blumm has been engaging local community partners in an effort to identify prestigious, unpaid internships.

“I was told that I’d be promoting food safety in the community, but I was sent to the Chipotle on Greenwich Street. And apparently I’m washing dishes there for free? I mean, don’t people usually get paid for these jobs? And my mentor Doug spends most of his time in the parking lot playing Fruit Ninja.”

Mr. Blumm was last seen collecting a thick envelope and a large bag of carnitas burritos from Doug outside the building.