Minimum Satisfaction Transforms Weight-Loss Methodology

Minimum Satisfaction pastries have garnered a surprisingly large audience.

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The recent rise in popularity of “Minimum Satisfaction” pastries has sparked a revolution in cuisine across the nation. For the first time in history, multiple long-standing generational pastry recipes have been daringly changed over the course of only a few months. The ingredients in these pastries are carefully picked with consideration for common quarantine nutritional needs. As a result, Americans writhe from the pain of eating these wise ingredients that scrape the sugar and fat off their lard-strewn tongues. “Writhing” isn’t an understatement—the pastries kill one’s appetite, induce vomiting, force calorie expenditure to consume, and cause a variety of other disastrous effects. The important revelation is that these effects go hand-in-hand with losing weight.

The Minimum Satisfaction Bagel (MSB) is the most popular menu selection of “Minimum Satisfaction” confectionaries. MSB dough normally consists of cardboard and cornstarch mixed with vegemite spread. Different regions use unique additions. New York arguably has the most flavorful MSBs because chefs source their water not from taps but directly from the Hudson River. In California and Iowa, hens are injected with vitamin supplements, so the eggs used in the making of bagels are rich in Omega-3 fatty acids essential for heart health. If one is lucky, they can get Omega-3 poisoning, which entails severe diarrhea and vomiting, perfect for expelling excessive amounts of consumed food.

There have also been a number of spin-off yeast-related foods branching from the MSB, such as the Minimum Satisfaction Donut, which is made with a combination of corn starch, drywall, and used bathroom sponge. The sponges are donated from wealthy households, meaning they are dappled with quality extravagant soaps rich with the essential vitamins A, D, and E. The donut does have frosting, but it’s normally stuffed inside to encourage first-timers to bite it instead of chickening out.

The Minimum Satisfaction Baguette (MSBag) is served two weeks stale to force Americans to expend calories by chewing profusely. The wheat flour in the baguette is gluten-free, and sour milk is used in place of baking soda. And last and least, there are Minimum Satisfaction English Muffins that have long qualified for the Minimum Satisfaction tagline with no recipe tweaks.

Minimum Satisfaction goods forcibly make one expel consumed foods, but they nonetheless have garnered a huge fanbase eager to transform their bodies. Restaurants often take photos of overweight but motivated customers every time they visit to record the visible changes and hang them on the walls as success stories to encourage more customers to follow suit. Romantic pairs and old married couples often have Minimum Satisfaction takeout together to serve as a bonding activity involving patting each other’s backs and cleaning the other’s vomit. School pranks are done by replacing a part of lunch with a Minimum Satisfaction food item, though often to no avail, as students typically don’t notice the difference. Minimum Satisfaction pastries weren’t intended for the faint of heart, but the overt support has expanded their popularity as the main pop culture weight loss method. Of course, it is a double-edged sword; it has driven many gyms and organic grocery stores out of business.