Mass Abduction of Nation’s Milk and Cookies Explained

A report on identifying Santa Claus as the man behind the mass abductions of the nation’s milk and cookies

Reading Time: 2 minutes

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By Joanna Meng

You better watch out; you best start to cry; you best start to pout! And I’m telling you why: Santa Claus is coming to town. After many years of investigation, reporters from The Spectator’s Humor Department have come to the conclusion that the sharp spike in annual cookies-and-milk-nappings from December 24-25 (in an annual phenomenon dubbed “Christmas Night”) can all be attributed to one jolly red man––Santa Claus.

Despite Santa Claus’s countless crimes (with accusations of property infringements and corporate corruption in the North Pole), his abduction of millions of cookies and milk every year is the foulest of them all. “Normally, I’d tell students ‘that’s just how the cookie crumbles’ in tough times, but in this case, it’s all right to cry over spilled milk,” lead informant Principal Seung Yu said on the case.

According to the countless “missing” signs put up across the city, it is clear that this fiend doesn’t discriminate between varieties of cookies and milk: chocolate chip with normal milk, double chocolate chip with chocolate milk, and even oatmeal raisin with soy milk isn’t safe from Santa’s reach.

Principal Seung Yu recalled the arduous process of identifying Santa Claus as the man behind these heinous acts. In the past decade alone, many years of Stuyvesant students have chipped in names such as “S.T. Nicholas” and “Kris Kringle,” which only made the hunt even more confusing with a ballooning pool of suspects.

However, Santa Claus was eventually singled out due to one simple reason: he’s the only one smart enough to avoid being caught capturing cookies and milk. Unlike the intelligent Santa Claus, the top contenders for potential suspects were apprehended while wasting energy on worthless possessions such as meat pies. In Kris Kringle’s case, the Stuy Detective Club observed him stealing fruits and vegetables (of all things) from homes. “We felt so bad for the fool, we decided to let him go with a warning,” former Stuy Detective Club President Shorlock Helmes said.

Currently, with no luck in catching this elusive criminal, the future of millions of cookies and gallons of milk is frighteningly uncertain, and Principal Yu warns the students of Stuyvesant that “along with doing your winter homework—I mean projects––it is equally important to take special precautions to safeguard your milk and cookies this dreadful season.”