Mars Bars and Mickey Mouse: The Stuy Student’s Guide to Movies for This Halloween Season

Every year in August, I start preparing for Halloween by scouring the grocery store for candy corn, searching Target for themed pajama pants, and scaring incoming freshmen on Facebook with stories about the mandatory math tests every student must take when they swipe in at the bridge to be marked present for the day. As October 31 nears each year, I procrastinate doing my homework by watching as many Halloween movies, specials, and episodes as I can. Because of this, I consider myself to be a connoisseur of all things Halloween-related. Therefore, I’d like to extend a generous invitation to read this compilation of the Disney Halloween movies that I feel Stuyvesant students will relate to the most. As a jaded sophomore, I’ve been in contact with every species in Stuyesant’s unique population pool and I feel extremely qualified to suggest to each type of student a movie to watch before the Christmas craze sets in. Please refer to this list with reverence and respect—you may never get another chance to be so brutally stereotyped in this way while being given a movie to watch. 

For Those Whose Parents Want Them to Be a Doctor - Invisible Sister (2015): This movie is about a goth high school student named Chloe Eastman who is really good at science and also, like any self-respecting Stuy student, has no social life. She is given a science project worth half her final grade on Halloween and ends up turning her sister invisible. You’ll especially relate if you had a test on Halloween, like I unfortunately did, or if you are expected to get hundreds in your science classes and anything else would result in you being grounded until Halloween 3024.

For the Delusional Ones Who’d Like to Go Back to Elementary School - Descendants (2015): If you didn’t live under a rock during your childhood, you’ve probably already seen this movie, but watch it again if you feel that all your teachers are conspiring to give you as much homework as possible. This movie will take you back to a time when your biggest worry was if your lunchbox was cool, and when the most exciting thing on your radar was the poop emoji pillow you wanted for your birthday. This movie has that dramatic flair that Disney movies are famous for, along with villains so scary that your Computer Science test grades would pale in comparison.

For the Theater Kids - Hocus Pocus (1993): SING! is a while away, so here is a movie to tide you over until then. Bette Midler and Sarah Jessica Parker, theater kids themselves, are amazing quasi-cannibalistic witches in this offbeat, cult-classic movie. It also has a really freakish choreographed song number that any theater kid worth their salt would want to stage themselves as quickly as possible. Plus, somehow the weird main character Max gets a girlfriend, which, given the crazy things that he drags her into throughout the movie, is entertaining to watch and yet impossible to understand—nearly as impossible as it is for the average Stuy student (let alone a theater kid) to get a girlfriend. 

For the Self-loathing Students Who Want to Be Tortured on Halloween - Twitches (2005): This movie is about two twins who find out about the existence of each other on Halloween. They then go off to another dimension to fight against something called The Darkness, which has infiltrated the kingdom they are destined to rule. The Darkness is this weird, foggy, black thing that, for some reason, has evil powers; it’s reminiscent of the weird, foul-smelling smog that keeps invading the locker rooms and stealing gym clothes and homework assignments. This is, perhaps, the stupidest movie of all time, so masochistic students should watch it if they would like their brain cells to slowly die one by one.

For the Student Who Wish They’d Picked a Different School - Halloweentown (1998): Halloweentown starts off with a premise I’m sure you are familiar with and most definitely have experienced yourself: three kids discover that a whole world called Halloweentown exists outside of the real world. Many Stuyvesant students have heard rumors from recent graduates that there is a world outside of homework and AP tests, but that’s all they are—rumors. While watching this movie, students can daydream about what it would be like in a world where school is no trouble at all and teachers don’t care if you skip class or not. While a school like this can’t possibly exist in reality, delusional students may enjoy this movie as it offers a chance to escape their stressful existence into a world where large pumpkin heads reign and math is the least of your worries.

Well, I hope that you paid attention to my choices and will now watch a few of my recommendations as they apply to you. Have a wonderful fall, and don’t forget to buy me a BooGram next year. Advice isn’t free, you know. Happy late Halloween!