Making a Good Impression on Your Teachers 101

“New year, new me!” you think, trying to hype yourself up. Well, new school year, anyway. It’s good to be optimistic after the disaster that unfolded last year. You dug a hole even deeper than your academic slump, which was already catastrophic. It wasn’t your fault, really. Honestly, how were you supposed to recover from that sub-50 performance on your first essay if your teacher was already out to get you? 

Summer DeltaMath homework had really snuck up on you after Labor Day weekend. After all, getting ahead and self-studying at the beginning of summer was never an option. With only a day left before school started—and that Math Department email saying your progress by the first day of school would be recorded—you determined that your only choice was to frantically cram. Surely, you’d be hailed for your amazing time management skills the next day—your math teacher would be so happy to see the hard work you had achieved under pressure! Or so you thought. You were too busy snoring through first period to notice that your English teacher’s introduction assignment was actually due at the beginning of your next class, NOT at 11:59 p.m. the next day. By the second day of school, your elite napping had quickly earned you a spot in the front of the room, as well as a substantial deal of embarrassment; you were the only one who had somehow messed up the easiest assignment of the year.

You shudder at the thought, shaking your head out of its traumatic reminiscing. Not again. But what to do? Your mind might be refreshed and ready, but your skill, or more specifically, skill issues, hold you back. Maybe your own incompetence is the problem… but there has to be some kind of crutch to support hopeless lost souls like you. Then it dawns on you. What do people with no skill do? They pay to win. 

Forget the professional clear plastic binder that earned your mediocre Met Project drawings barely above a 90—you have a far better idea. Perfect minimalist Japanese stationery that will surely enhance your productivity is the solution to all your problems! You’ll go from bum to star student in a matter of seconds when your teacher becomes entranced by that Muji notebook you’re taking notes (or rather, not taking notes) in. Your organization will be generational, the positive influence on your jealous classmates historic. With every stroke from that 0.5mm mechanical pencil, your legendary status will only grow. Your perfectly aesthetic black eraser will lead to exponential aura growth. But the thought of your recycled paper weekly planner gives you an idea. It might not have been made from cut trees, but if you want to cut down your tree of incompetence, you’ll have to hit it at the base: your teacher.  

Each trophic level contains only 10 percent of the energy contained at the one below it. That’s probably the only thing you remember from biology. Thus, to truly harness the maximum level of professorial pride and make a good impression, you have to go to the source: your new teachers themselves. And the ultimate pay-to-win strategy? You have to have something they like… maybe show up to class with their signature and beloved Chipotle bowl? Or what about inconspicuously strolling into class as a human sign, wearing a poster board just like the guy outside the Chambers Street McDonald’s? Emblazoned boldly across the front of his was the words Free Money, and who doesn’t like free money? Not Eric Adams, for sure. And he was the mayor! A position of power… just like your teacher. 

Then you realize the unfortunate truth. Who do you think you are, anyway? You’re no billionaire with endless resources at your disposal. You don’t even have a job. J-O-B. The very letters make you freeze. The only lunch you can afford is the school’s frozen bean and cheese burrito. Good luck turning that into Chipotle.

It might be time to go back to basics. Anyone can follow the tried-and-true method of simply yapping their way to success. What better way to show how interested you are in class than by raising your hand at least 20 times a period? Remember: quantity over quality! A good rule of thumb to follow is that you should be able to secure that sweet, sweet 100 percent in Jupiter’s participation category in a single 41-minute period. By drowning your teacher and classmates in facts and opinions, you’ll leave no room to expose your own lack of knowledge! Besides, there’s always the off chance that you’ll somehow come around to something insightful that your teacher will latch onto, even if you don’t even realize it yourself.

Finally, your brain circles back to its natural state. The first day of school is tomorrow, and you’re tired. Maybe sleeping in class isn’t so bad. Maybe you’re not in denial, and maybe this being the first stage of grief isn’t a bad omen for the coming year. Hopefully, your teacher will be quaking in their boots when they witness your confidence, and they’ll assume you already know all of the material! Or maybe… you’re just doomed again.