Kermit Takes a Stand

Kermit the frog is your new Student Union Candidate.

Reading Time: 2 minutes

Elections are stressful, especially high school Student Union elections. The amount of amateur graphic design on Picsart that goes into the posters is absolutely stunning. Not to mention that choosing a candidate to vote for is dizzying—I mean, will a prospective candidate’s desire to replace the social studies requirement with interpretive dance even pass? Who’s getting the money for this?

But what if I told you that I could eliminate 100 percent of this stress and confusion for you? Well, dear Spectator reader, I can, for Kermit the Frog has made it onto the ballot for every position in the Stuyvesant Student Union. How he did this escapes me, but I did see Ms. Piggy walking out of room 260 with particularly bloody hands.

As Kermit the Frog sets off to accomplish his dream of tyrannical reign, the rest of us have but to watch as he squeals down the hallways on the fourth floor shouting, “Less math, more meth!” He has also been spotted in the senior atrium, violently inhaling the leftover citric acid from the sour gummies one of my friends shared with me. How he retrieved the package I threw out at the bottom of the trash can is beyond me, but he seemed very frazzled, especially when Mr. Moran came and confiscated his ID for skipping class. Classic Kermit.

This week, after tenth period, Kermit made his political debut on the bridge by handing out pamphlets. He claimed that they listed all his intended policies, but they were really just pamphlets from Planned Parenthood detailing the various types of birth control. I will say, the section on IUDs is certainly a compelling read.

But that’s not all. Kermit has also already gotten banned from every single deli in New York City for his erratic campaigning. He would run into the shops wielding a pool noodle shouting that “the Antichrist is upon us!” He should probably look in a mirror to solidify his argument.

Making his way back to Stuy after facing the same fate at Terry’s, Mr. the Frog barged into the SU room and proceeded to consume every opposing promotional poster he found. Sorry if you had any intentions of running against the behemoth known as Kermit. After shredding the papers, he flailed his way down the second floor at the astonishing velocity of 344 m/s, causing sonic booms wherever his floppy feet landed. The Physics Department never ran out of experiments again.

His dreams of totalitarian rule were crushed when he tried to walk past the senior bar with his AirPods Max Pro Double Plus HD Hydro-Ultra 15s. They were promptly confiscated, and it was then revealed that Kermit the Frog was actually three large ducks in a trenchcoat trying their hardest to replicate Kermit-like noises using the ‘Pods. With the trench coat unbuttoned, the ducks scurried away, never to be seen again. Legend has it they still waddle to their local lemonade stands in humble search for grapes. Alas, with Kermit gone, many of you should sleep with one eye open tonight. Ms. Piggy is still out there grieving.