Junioritis Outbreak Devastates High Schools; CDC Alarmed

Following the end of AP season, among the CDC’s reports on the usual spread of Senioritis, experts have noticed a concerning new trend in this year’s data. A worrisome number of cases of a highly contagious strain marked by chronic procrastination, extreme pessimism, exhaustion, and the repeated use of the phrase: “Bro, I don’t even need to come to school anymore,” have been reported. It has been dubbed Junioritis.

According to officials at Stuyvesant High School, the center of the epidemic’s outbreak, symptoms first appeared in isolated cases around SAT season in March, but infection rates surged immediately after AP exams concluded.  

“At first, I thought it was just the usual burnout,” one teacher reported. “Then I caught my smartest junior on her phone during a test. It wasn’t even to cheat—she spent 30 minutes scrolling through Spotify. When I asked her what she was doing, she said she needed a study playlist to ‘lock in.’ She never even started the test.” 

“We’ve had hundreds of juniors stare directly at assignments, then ask what they were supposed to do,” another staff member said. “The information is entering their eyes, but it never reaches their brains.” 

“All the conversations I’ve had with upperclassmen,” a guidance counselor interjected, “begin with ‘Bro I’m cooked’ and end with them doing nothing to address the problem. In fact, most deem skipping the remainder of the school year an acceptable solution.” 

Researchers from the CDC arrived at the school earlier this week after receiving reports of students exhibiting increasingly severe symptoms of Junioritis, such as being able to name every T50 college but forgetting to do homework due the next period. Experts indicate interviews with afflicted students have yielded consistent results:

“We’ve found that the, uh, ‘patients’ believe their future self will become a completely different person and lock in for them,” one expert claimed. “They’re absolutely sure they can save the semester… tomorrow. Highly concerning behavior, and we have no clue how to fix it. We’re still confused if Junioritis is viral, bacterial, or transmitted through Naviance notifications.”

“It’s also been noted that students demonstrate an inability to perceive deadlines occurring more than 24 hours in the future… They all claim to have ‘plenty of time’ to finish their work, despite said work being due in 37 minutes,” another researcher explained. 

School officials have launched various interventions, including reducing the amount of homework teachers are allowed to assign, promoting healthier sleep schedules, and repeated reminders that the school year is (unfortunately) not yet over, with limited results. 

More aggressive treatment methods have been met with extreme resistance. Proposals involving the deletion of TikTok were dismissed as “impossible,” “inhumane,” and “a price too high to pay,” with some juniors breaking down when confronted with phone confiscations.

“You can’t take it from me,” Mason Signal sobbed while desperately trying to hold on to his phone. “No, please, I need it! It’s the only thing holding me together! I can’t make it through the year without my reels! No, my baby!” Other students have given up on coming to school entirely. 

“There’s no point,” Junior Amaya Liar complained. “I finished my APs. I don’t care about the Regents. In any other school, I would already have enough credits to graduate, become a professor, and start a retirement fund! PLEASE JUST LET ME OU—” Liar unfortunately suffered what medical professionals describe as a “complete academic lockout” and was unable to answer the remaining questions. 

“Every conversation goes the same way,” administrators said. “They nod, agree to get their lives together, and walk away to skip their next four classes.” 

Despite the rapid spread of the disease, experts remain optimistic that most students will eventually recover. A combination of time off from school and touching grass is expected to delay, if not entirely prevent, permanent side effects of Junioritis. Researchers predict that symptoms will disappear sometime between the last day of school and the first week of senior year, when students will then be struck by a different illness with similar symptoms, the College Application Endemic. 

At the current time, a petition with over 6.7 million signatures has reached the Department of Education, pleading for the expedited closure of high schools for the year. Both students and parents alike, desperate to stop the spread of Junioritis and the incessant complaining, endorsed the petition. The proposal was ultimately rejected as DOE officials concluded that even if schools were shut down, students would spend the time doing exactly what they are now: absolutely nothing.