Interviews With Stuyvesant Students’ Significant Others

The desperation of loveless Stuyvesant students leaves them forming bonds with inanimate objects to fill the lonely void in their hearts.

Reading Time: 3 minutes

I don’t know what love feels like, but that will change today. No, I’m not getting a significant other and becoming another one of those annoying couples who block the hallways with affectionate hand-holding. I will never stoop to such lows, and I’m not jealous. Instead, I’ll be interviewing other students about their significant others to learn about the Stuyvesant dating experience, and then I’ll write an article showcasing their lovely relationships. I can’t wait to write about these people, knowing they’ve done everything I can only dream of!

REPORTER: Are you okay? You’re twitching.

STUDENT 1: Yeah, I'm fine. I’m fine! Why wouldn't I be?

REPORTER: Um, okay. What’s your name?

STUDENT 1: Jacob McCaffeinated! Yep, that's the name!

REPORTER: [mutters] Jesus, the fake names get worse every time.

JACOB: What?

REPORTER: Never mind. Where's your significant other?

JACOB: Well, um. [sound of tapping on the table]

REPORTER: A… coffee cup?

JACOB: It’s my love! It gives me a reason to wake up in the morning! When life gets me down, it brings me back up! I can’t function without it! Ha ha!

REPORTER: I-I think that’s an addiction.

JACOB: Isn’t love just an addiction to someone else? That sounds like a Shakespeare line! Such romance! Ha ha!

[The student then passed out. Emergency services have determined that a severe lack of sleep put them into a coma. The devastated family is now taking legal action against Starbucks for providing dangerous amounts of caffeine to students. I am starting to regret writing this article.]

REPORTER: Alright, moving onto our next interview. Don’t pass out like the other kid.

STUDENT 2: Alas, I suppose a mortal’s body eventually gives out. But don’t worry, not mine.

REPORTER: [sighs] Name?

STUDENT 2: Names are for the weak. I let my powerful aura distinguish myself from everyone else.

REPORTER: Where’s your significant other? Please tell me they’re a real person.

STUDENT 2: Okay, okay, it’s not a person, but it’s certainly real. My beloved PupilPath app.

REPORTER: PupilPath?

STUDENT 2: It was merely friendship at first, but then I realized it was something more when I checked it every day, waiting for it to return after the terrible January crash. With time comes familiarity, and familiarity breeds love!

REPORTER: Contempt. Familiarity breeds contempt.

STUDENT 2: I don’t like that saying. I am familiar with my beloved, yet I could never feel contempt for them. They’re too lovely for that.

[STUDENT 2 opens Pupilpath on their phone]

Admire the gorgeous blue… wait, why is there green? IT’S GREEN!

[The audio abruptly cuts off.]

REPORTER: Why did no one bring an actual human? Can I stop interviewing people?

UNKNOWN: Not yet!

REPORTER: Principal Yu? You’re not a student.

YU: I know, but I want to talk about my love!

[muffled noises] Here!

REPORTER: That’s a random man printed on a body pillow.

YU: [gasps] It’s Jungkook from BTS! How dense are you to not know? You can CLEARLY tell by the smooth confidence he effortlessly exudes; by his casual yet flattering outfit; and by the proud, and aloof yet welcoming smirk that this is none other than the youngest member of the most popular boy band in the world. The Golden Maknae, as he is also called. And the distinctive BTS logo in the corner! Frankly, your behavior calls for suspension, and I WILL be bringing this up to your parents later.

REPORTER: I don’t listen to—

YU: And how dare you question our love! It may only exist within the confines of your article, but it’s real, and you will respect it!

REPORTER: You know what, I’m ending the article. That way, I don’t have to listen to you squeal over some K-pop dude in his 30s. I could be taking a much-needed nap right now. I’m leaving.

[the sound of footsteps fading out]

YU: He’s only 24! The DISRESPECT of this generation! Get back here right now—