INSIDE LOOK at Stuyvesant Parents’ Group Chat

A vicious fight broke out in a Stuyvesant parents’ group chat on the evening of Friday, September 18. Described by survivors as a “text-thread colosseum,” the group chat erupted into violence following a week’s worth of back-and-forth bragging. Luckily for The Spectator, senior correspondent John Parent had already infiltrated the chat by stealing his mom’s phone and was able to witness the carnage.

Parent reported that out of a group chat with 300 members, “seven people sent about 90 percent of all messages” and that amongst those seven, “there was some serious tension—like a powder keg about to go kaboom.” An investigation conducted by The Spectator revealed that throughout the week, parents were discussing highly contentious topics such as AP selection and SAT scores. The chat was populated with messages like “how many APs can my son take if he has a 98 average GPA?” and “my daughter had a 180 (that's an A+++++) in eighth-grade biology; will AP Bio be too difficult for her?” 

Despite some mildly aggressive banter during the week, the first real inflammatory message wasn’t sent until Friday at 16:35:21. Correspondent Parent identified the first shot fired as “Question for the upperclassmen parents: is a 1560 a good first SAT score for a freshman?” While not specifically targeted, Parent explains that “[l]eft unchecked, this message serves as an incredibly effective flex. A parent who asks this type of question is looking for a fight.” The response was swift and harsh: “You’re definitely on track! My daughter got a 1580 on her first SAT, and she had to take it the morning she got back from the Olympics.” 

Parent also spoke to a mother watching the fight from the sidelines. “If the first attack was a gunshot, then this response would be a bazooka to the face,” she said. “Some things just aren’t meant to be said to a group of three hundred people, you know?”

The situation quickly slipped out of control. One of these parents, who was also a member of the PA, lamented, “Unfortunately, my daughter was only able to score a 1570 because she had to close a deal with JP Morgan. Her startup has been making six figures annually, and she just bought us a summer house in the Hamptons.” The reply was instant: “My sophomore is also interested in business! He’s been running a charity and just received a fifteen-million-dollar endowment fund to build wells in Africa.” According to Parent, “following up such an insane statement is near impossible, since there isn’t much room for a bigger flex.”

Despite what he believed, Parent didn’t account for one improbable factor: an anonymous user, a parent who had never spoken in the chat before, finally raised their voice. “It’s great to see other kids following their passions! My son didn’t take the SAT because he was too busy at NASA. He’s been training to become an astronaut and has been researching quantum mechanics on the side.”

John Parent’s only words following this communiqué were “dear God.”

The following morning, the chat was silent. Similar to the fallout of an atomic bomb, all signs of life vanished. No complaining, no questions, no flexing. The Stuyvesant Spectator will be hosting an impromptu funeral for the egos that died that day, on October 29.