I’m allowed to write an article like this?

I have no recollection as to how I even got into The Spectator. It’s surprising I’m even writing a Humor article, considering I’m about as funny as that rat you saw in the subway station last week! So, I ask myself at two in the morning, why even bother writing by the rules? Why not just violate them to create the worst Humor article ever written? So that’s exactly what this is. Unless you want to be knocked out by my terrible writing, I strongly advise you to stop reading now.

First, I’m going to break the rules that make an article an absolutely hilarious knee-slapper. Why would I need those? I need to make my article bad! The first rule is not to insult real people and to punch up, not down, so if I insult someone, I need to do it in a lighthearted way that doesn’t offend them too much. That means I should definitely insult real people and punch them down! I think the person writing this article is a stinky gremlin who deserves to be literally punched down! That’s right, take that you… Whoops, that’s me. What’s written is written, though. We don’t edit around here. Sorry, me.

Humor editors love it when you riff off something relevant. So why waste my time on making something relevant and funny? Here’s something irrelevant instead! I think that a hot dog is a sandwich. Boom. No further comments.

Moving on to the things that make your article bad, I’ll start with dead and repetitive memes. Why wouldn’t I include such a central part of my culture? I love having my brain rotted! In fact, I think using Greek letters to encapsulate aura is such an innovative idea, or should I say in Brainrot-ese, alpha sigma epsilon! I just want to be part of your Dubai chocolate Crumbl cookie matcha Labubu!

Stuy jokes are also considered bad and overused, but why wouldn't you want to praise this magnificent and extraordinary school? I love endorsing the school’s 11th-floor swimming pool! Don’t you also adore it when you and thousands of other students scramble to find your schedules and Talos decides to absolutely crash? On a definitely unrelated note, how many hours of sleep did you get last night? Me personally, none at all!

The next thing is anything that’s too niche. I love everything niche! I’m part of a really niche group that you’ve probably never heard of. They’re called Flat-Earthers. Other niche knowledge, or, should I say, elite ball knowledge, is, well, the term “elite ball knowledge” itself! Doesn’t that term feel hot off the press? I would coin it, but I would probably face several lawsuits. 

The Spectator’s style and spelling rules are pretty weird. Did it bother you that I didn’t italicize The Spectator? Good. Who made these rules up? Seriously, we can’t even say “doughnut” or “colour.” I’m sure the third-to-last and last words of the previous sentence were both unreadable. If you couldn’t read them, great! That means I’ve succeeded in not spelling in American English! Hooray! By the way, who even came up with curved apostrophes being a thing? ’ and ' are literally the same. I see no difference! What about writing out the word “percent”? Too much work. 67%. There. On the other hand, why wouldn’t I want to write out dollars? I have 41 dollars. I feel like the richest person on Earth! Numbers in general also suck. Numbers below 10 have to be written out, and numbers above 10 are numerical. With that logic, you can write really weird equations that look like this: six plus seven equals 13. Math becomes even more mind-numbing than it already was!

You know those red and blue squiggly lines Google Docs gives you when you’re writing literally anything? I hate those. That’s why I’m going to completely ignore them. As Grammarly says, “Writing’s not that easy.” What even is the difference between “you’re” and “your”? You’re mom. Your not a sigma. Additionally, too, two, and to are the same word; change my mind. I two, love taking the to when going too Stuy. Their are a lot of rules to writing. There really annoying. They’re should be a limit to them.

There are some unspoken rules that I should break, too. As I’m writing this, I think to myself, what would happen if I wrote this article in a completely different language that I’m not even fluent in? Wǒ zài yí ge hěn zhōng wén shí jiān zài wǒ shēng mìng. I’m in a very Chinese time in my life. Special shout-out to Google Translate and Duolingo! 

Who knew writing incorrectly was so difficult? I can already feel the editors from the Copy Department on my back. But if you finished this article, congrats! Thank you for reading the absolute garbage I wrote for my quota! Back I go to doomscrolling and procrastinating on homework! Make sure to hit that like button and smash subscribe for more content just like this!