I’ll Make Sure You Never Forget
Issue 13, Volume 113
“Is your nickname glucose? ’Cause you’re pretty darn sweet.” ––you, unfortunately
You’re still single after cuffing season. You use nerdy biology pickup lines in an attempt to compensate for your lack of real-life chemistry. To make things worse, you went to Google for that pickup line instead of consulting your trusty Spec Humor friends. Lame! Sure, Google has got your back when it comes to homework answers, but rizz? Nah, the poor search engine doesn’t even have a soulmate of its own. But look no further! As seasoned rizzlers, we’re here to help you win people over––using K-dramas.
For starters, if you’re rich AND have L rizz … we’re not really sure what to tell you; you might just be a lost cause. Nevertheless, we are still here to help. Like Kang Tae-moo in Business Proposal, simply ask your love interest what your love for them and your credit card have in common. Confused, they’ll ask what they have in common. Then, smoothly rizz them up by saying, “Both are endless.” That line alone is enough to make them go crazy for you. If this fails, well, that seems like a you problem. You botched the execution of our flawless strategy. This is a good lesson that money can’t buy you love. But you should still thank us for our efforts by sending some money to us (donate to our GoFundMe: https://gofund.me/wewantmoney)!
For our good-looking peers, we have exactly the plan for you. We all know the cringe scene in every romance K-drama where the soon-to-be couple eats ramen at one of their houses. It has a 100 percent rizz rate, meaning you should attempt to do the same. Invite your desired one over for ramen and show off your cooking skills by boiling water and putting noodles in the pot. Impressed, they’ll see you as spouse material and fall helplessly in love with you. That is, if you can get them to come over. If they refuse, don’t be discouraged! They can’t play hard-to-get in the trunk of your car.
Even if you’re not as hot as us (who is, really?), there’s still hope. If you want someone who actually cares about your personality––barf––then look no further than True Beauty for advice. The main character, Jugyeong, doesn’t have enough confidence in her looks but still shows her face to her crush, Suho, and rizzes him up. For context, Suho is hot and cares about personality (gross). If you want Jugyeong’s rizz, all you need to do is show your subpar face to the Suho in your life, watch him leave you and go to Japan while you’re madly in love, get with a K-pop idol, break up with him because he’s too successful, and finally have the Suho you always dreamed about return and date you. So yeah, pretty likely you’ll get with them.
And if there are just no hot people in your life to whom you’re attracted, that’s okay too. (Not everyone has met us.) Simply go out into the streets, find an attractive person who happens to be getting chased by the police so you can swoop in and be the hero! Pretend to be their ex, current special other, or whatever rocks your boat. Sure, there’s a 99.99 percent chance that they’re a psychopath or a globally-wanted criminal, but there’s also a 0.01 percent chance that they’ll fall for you and turn out to be your soulmate.
Here’s something to remember: actions speak louder than words. Be bold. Instead of worrying and panicking when you want to kiss someone, just do it. If you’ve watched Business Proposal, you’ll know exactly what scene our title is referring to. For those who don’t know, in the scene, Cha Sung-hoon, the second male lead, boldly kisses his girlfriend, Jin Young-seo, after saying, “I’ll make sure you never forget.” Gah. That line alone is enough to make anyone’s heart melt. So the next time you’re with your crush, just kiss them. And for a better experience, please use Listerine strips (we are not sponsored by them).
If you get with that person of your dreams, just remember, it’s because of us and only us. Just don’t get all kissy-kissy in the halls––no one wants to see it. Otherwise, we, the K-drama rizz gods, will frown upon you and issue you a rizz-training order.
Disclaimer: If these tips didn’t work out for you, or you find yourself facing sexual harassment charges (what’s that?), The Spectator is not liable—it’s obviously a skill issue on your part.