I Can’t Take the AP—I Died
Issue 14, Volume 113
By Kavya Green
There seems to be no way to divert the inevitable anxiety of preparing for—and eventually taking—an AP examination. The College Board wants to seem sympathetic and motivational with their daily videos and inspirational e-mails, yet every AP student knows that when the day comes, they’ll just stab us in the back with merciless questions and perplexing diagrams.
Before you panic and start spending all your waking hours—and maybe even sleeping hours—studying, you must know that there is a solution.
You may be thinking, “What? That’s impossible.” It’s not. There is a relatively affordable, somewhat reasonable way to evade this gruesome affair and maybe even the rest of high school: fake your own death!
Listen, it may seem like a challenging task, but it’s really not. It might even be more fun than you think! Every death is customizable, so the opportunities are endless! Accident? Homicide? You decide! You can choose everything from the location of your death to the time it occurs.
You could go for something dramatic like murder—you broke up with SZA, or maybe you recycled a Ziploc bag in front of Mr. Citron. If you’re looking for something more flashy, you could travel to a rainforest or visit the section of the zoo with big cats. Just imagine your sniffly, teary-eyed friends being informed that you died “while trying to dap up a tiger.” Even if you aren’t feeling particularly inspired, you could always let ChatGPT write a scenario for you!
It may seem unrealistic, but faking a death isn’t as complicated as you might think. It does involve spending some money, but it’s all worth it in the end. Just remember that the cost of the AP exam is your mental stability and emotional well-being—by comparison, no sum is too large.
You will need to hire a couple of actors to “witness” the death and purchase the equipment required to play out the situation. It might look a little weird if you’re out buying fake blood, appendages, organs, etc., but then again, an awkward conversation might arise if your mom is looking through your search history and sees “human organs $20 or less.” So, if you really want to go on a psycho shopping spree, Party City should cover your death-faking needs.
The last and most crucial piece is the fake body. You will need to obtain a life-sized figurine, pillow, or cardboard cut-out (don’t pretend you don’t already have one) and tape your face onto it. Be sure to use a bad picture, because it won’t appear believable if you’re trying to look hot while sitting in a casket. Your dead body wouldn’t be biting its lip or gazing seductively at your grieving family members and loved ones. Also, make sure to fold the tape so it’s double-sided and then stick it on the picture. You wouldn’t want messy tape showing.
Anyway, once you have all your death props ready, just set a date and time! Your death can be carried out seamlessly once you plan it properly. After you “die,” you must find a remote location to wait out the AP test. I would also suggest installing cameras to watch everyone at your funeral. You’ll quickly be able to tell if you have real friends. However, even if people seem like they’re bawling over your sudden, premature death, the real cause of their tears will probably just be the wrath of the College Board.
After the AP exam, wait until next year to return to school. People might ask, “Hey, didn’t you die?” but all you have to do is make up an excuse that sounds remotely scientific and deliver it confidently. For example: “My arteries exocytosed molecular toxins into my hypothalamus, causing my heart to restart.” If they don’t believe that (but who wouldn’t?), simply make a weird noise and run away. Hopefully, that freaks them out enough to leave you alone.
That’s it. Simple, right? You won’t ever have to take an AP exam again. Have fun, and remember: FOLD THE TAPE FIRST.