Hundreds Left in Shock Post-Camp Stuy

The Big Sibs are only responsible for like 63.7 percent of this.

Reading Time: 2 minutes

With the arrival of the Class of 2028, the annual run of Camp Stuy has taken its toll on the rising freshmen. As per tradition, the Big Sibs have taken to encouraging the new freshmen to believe incoherent stories and take on risky challenges. However, concerns have mounted after the latest iteration of Camp Stuy has left seven pre-freshmen catatonic and many others traumatized.

The Big Sibs argue that they did nothing wrong and that the freshmen are at fault. “We didn’t even try to convince them to jump in the Hudson this year,” Senior I. Tis complained. “All I did was tell them they should go to the swim test, and they started yelling at me. Did the entire class develop allergies to chlorine?” Meanwhile, another complained, “I didn’t even try to convince them to drink liquid potassium permanganate! They did that on their own when I wasn't looking. Where did they even find it? We were in a calc classroom!” The Big Sib Chairs have disavowed all knowledge of these events, brushing them off as mere rumors. They’ve even gone on the record stating, “Our budget for the swimming pool sharks was cut, so don’t ask me what they were scared of.” 

Despite these refutations, various pre-freshmen have come forward to complain about the alleged trauma they received due to these tragedies. “The escalator started going backwards while I was climbing it and wouldn’t stop until I gave it cash,” one student described. While Big Sibs claim this was just because “the 2-4 sucks,” other victims of the escalator are not so certain. “My Big Sib took the $20 I had to give to the escalator in front of me. This is just extortion!” incoming freshman S. Camd complained. Even later on, when exploring the building, students claim they were encouraged to trap themselves in “an underground maze that could only be escaped by following the haunting sounds of STC kids rehearsing somewhere in the school.” One incoming freshman who escaped professed, “It looked like a catacomb made of chalk.” While it remains true that 80 percent of Big Sibs buy pizza bagels 30 minutes after the 2-4 stops working, and 30 percent of pre-freshies who don’t pay go to the basement, nothing has been conclusively proven.

While no formal lawsuit has been filed, Big Sibs stand by their members and continue to state, “We were actually good this year!” They have also sworn, “If these lies become a recurring thing, we’re jacking the escape process up to $30.” While we have reached out to Big Sibs for further comment, everyone wishing to be a whistleblower has mysteriously decided to throw themselves into the basement. Perhaps we will never know for sure.