Humor Department Overthrows Editors-in-Chief, Installs Military Junta

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Shocking reports from the sixth floor bathrooms have revealed a diabolical turn of events in the upper echelons of The Spectator’s leadership. Unpopular Editors-in-Chief Beaux Watwood and Jane Rhee have been forced out of office by the military council overseeing the Humor department. The move was unexpected and a great shock to most of the existing departments as the EICs kept The Spectator on a short leash for quite a while; nobody actually believed a rebellion would be successful.

In a public statement, Humor editors Kerwin Chen and Gabrielle Umanova cited great dissatisfaction with the way that the newspaper was run as one of the main reasons for the bloodless coup: “We were constantly being forced to censor our greatest ideas to keep the snowflake editors from being offended and firing all of us. Some of the funniest, most original articles were murdered at the very point of conception by the so-called ‘democratic’ rulers of the paper. No more, we say. No more.”

Umanova went on to outline the new government’s plan for their first days in office. “We will be installing a military government built upon the ideas of freedom of good speech. We’re also going to be setting up a new committee with centralized powers that will be able to veto any article that does not conform to the safe, new standards that we’ve introduced. It will be called the Committee for Public Safety and Protection, and its main purpose will be to protect the rights of Humor writers everywhere. Not other writers, though. Humor writers are more equal than other writers. Sorry Ops, no one cares about Trump’s toadstool. It’s we who break the REAL news,” she said. Supreme Enlightened General Umanova exited the stage to rounds of thunderous applause from the long-oppressed and overworked Web department as well as chants of “Gui-llo-tine, gui-llo-tine,” directed toward the now disgraced former editors of The Spectator.

Supreme More-Enlightened General Kerwin Chen elaborated on the ideals and goals of the Committee and how its policies would be carried out. “We will be using the shorter freshmen and the seniors who never reached puberty as secret police to root out any unfunny opinions or any ideas for articles deemed too boring. So, if anyone in the halls is caught discussing articles that don’t comply with the safe, new standards, they will be recorded and reported to the nearest Humor department member,” he said.

The coup, while unanticipated, is welcomed by most of the other departments. Watwood and Rhee initiated and presided over a deep recession that reduced readership by over 40 percent in just one month due to their heavy censorship of the Humor department. Innovation and individuality of articles were crushed underneath their iron reign, which commanded the newspaper from an ivory tower in room 639. Relations with other extracurricular activities deteriorated under the Watwood-Rhee administration, which banned all inter-club ventures and forced the English department to abandon its support for other activities.

We will have to wait and see to know the long-term positive effects of the Humor department’s glorious revolution. Glory to the Free Democratic People’s Republic of Better Articles! Hail to the Committee for Public Safety and Protection!