How to Know That You’re in a Toxic Relationship… With J

I find myself sitting alone at lunch, wondering if I have done something wrong in this relationship. I’ve sacrificed my heart and time over the past year, and yet I feel so empty and used. Did I do something wrong? Was I too clingy? Too overbearing? Is this relationship even worth working on? I think maybe it could still work. I mean, we did have some good times. There were moments when I felt so special. But at the end of the day, here I am, hating how much I’ve changed. What happened to the carefree person I used to be? Yes, after much painful reflection, I have come to this realization: I may be in a toxic relationship… with Jupiter. Yes, Jupiter, the online gradebook. It’s too raw to say the name out loud. Let’s just say J. If you, too, think that J may be emotionally manipulating you, here are some warning signs you should watch out for. 

Sign 1: You Dread Spending Time Together

There was a time when I didn’t feel like this. In the beginning, when we first got together, I was so happy and excited to meet up with J. It was early freshman year, when everything was fun and new, when all that counted were participation grades and that five-question quiz that you were actually prepared for; every meeting with J felt so special. But now? Four semesters into our relationship, and I can barely look at J. Date nights have become a chore, just a “let’s get this over with” situation. And the only communication taking place is J telling me all the areas I need to improve. As if that weren’t enough, every Friday at 4:00 p.m., J sends me an unsolicited update (both text and email!) reminding me of all these areas—the perfect way to ruin the weekend before it even starts. But everyone seems to want this relationship to work. Even my parents are saying things like, “You should really put some more effort into your relationship with J.” Can’t they see that J might not be right for me? If your first emotional response to spending time together is dread rather than joy, it may be time to rethink the relationship.

Sign 2: You Give More Than You Get

For the past two years, I have made it a point to put in the hard work. I always ask what J wants to do first rather than what I want to do. Whenever I would like to spend the weekend relaxing at home, binge-watching Spy x Family, I instead sacrifice time focusing on J’s interests. But when has J ever made sacrifices for me? When was the last time J acknowledged my interests? I give, and I give, and J never even asks about what I’m into these days. All J ever wants to talk about is AP Chem and how much I should work on participating in my classes. If your relationship revolves entirely around one person’s interests, it may not be much of a relationship at all. 

Sign 3: Your Conversations Feel Purely Transactional

Communication is key in any healthy relationship. Unfortunately, it seems as though J is incapable of communicating in any form other than evaluation. If things go well, the only acknowledgment I get is something cold and quantified. And if that’s not bad enough, the quantified part keeps me guessing. I mean, c’mon, J. Make up your mind—is it an A- or a B+? Of course, there’s no “Well done,” “I’m so proud of you,” or “Keep it up!” Meanwhile, the smallest mistake is immediately noted and held against me. Like, who calls you out for a wrongly conjugated verb or a careless arithmetic error? Who is that nitpicky? J may insist, “I’m just communicating the facts,” but sometimes a girl needs more than that. Sometimes, we need some emotional affirmation. If every conversation leaves you feeling more judged than loved, it may be a serious red flag. 

Sign 4: You’re Always Taking the Blame

Obviously, I’m not perfect, but how come every time there’s an issue, I’m always the one at fault? How is it that J never takes any responsibility in this relationship? Whenever something goes wrong, J somehow always finds a way to make it my problem. J never says, “Maybe I could have communicated better,” or “Let’s figure this out together.” J never even considered that maybe I was doing the best that I could. Instead, it’s always the same thing: “You messed up… you should have done better.” If every conflict ends up with you taking the blame, it may be time to question what the real problem is. 

Sign 5: Your Self-Esteem is Crushed

This is when it’s necessary to seriously consider leaving the relationship. There was a time, early in my Stuy experience, when I thought, “Hey, maybe I could be a scientist one day.” But J would hint at things like, “Well, you’re still five percent below the biology class average.” I mean, who does that? Why can’t J just say, “Don’t worry about what everyone else is doing—you do you”? Instead, J somehow always finds a way to make me feel reduced to a number every time we interact. For all I know, J could be cheating on me all the time—a little miscalculation here, a little omission there—and I would still assume that I was the one doing something wrong. No relationship should leave you doubting your self-worth. If being together consistently makes you feel worse about yourself, it may be time to walk away.

A Final Relationship Status Update

At this point, I’ve realized that J and I were never meant to be long-term. I might’ve been able to handle a casual fling. But a committed, emotionally dependent relationship? Well, that’s where I went wrong. Maybe a healthier relationship with J means checking in less, ignoring the unsolicited Friday updates, and not letting one cold, quantified comment ruin my whole day. Will I follow this advice? Hopefully. Will I still check J “just once” and end up refreshing the page five times? Probably. But at least now I know the truth: J doesn’t get to define who I am or who I’m becoming. Six years from now, J will be a distant memory. I’ll be out of college and, hopefully, a better version of myself. But J? J will still be stuck in high school, or maybe even… discontinued. 

All joking aside, our years in high school are short, and I, for one, do not want to spend them constantly stressed out about my grades. Do I really need to know every fractional change to my average the moment it happens? In the wise words of one of my favorite teachers at Stuy: “This is a marathon, not a sprint.” J can keep some thoughts to itself.