How to Know if You’re Choosing the Right APs and Electives (for Freshmen, Sophomores, and Half of a Junior)

Welcome! If you’re confused about how you ended up here, you’re definitely in the right place. Today, we’re taking a personality test to figure out the perfect courses for you (so no seniors are allowed here, you can go read your college’s newspaper instead)! As you take this test, please keep in mind that neither the Humor Department nor I am responsible for the unforeseen consequences of adhering to this test’s results. However, I’ve always managed to randomly guess the right answer from four options on a multiple-choice exam at least 23.9 percent of the time, if that makes you feel any better, but I don’t see how it would. 

Important Note: Not all courses will be covered in this quiz, as that would take nearly 261 hours to go over.

Rising Sophomores

Think about this hypothetical situation: if you could only eat one food forever for the rest of your life, would you pick mashed potatoes, tofu, mango sorbet, or fried chicken? If you picked the first option, congrats—all roads point to AP European History, or rather, Ireland and its staple food: potatoes (the one with the most flavor). If you picked tofu, you definitely already have the mindset needed for APES and the “leg”-umes. AP World History obviously tastes like mangos—because the world is obviously mango-colored and everyone’s history folder is yellow—so if you chose mango sorbet, this is the right fit for you. And well, fried chicken, you must be interested in the chemical processes of KFC’s deep fryer and ultra-processed ingredients! AP Chemistry sounds right for you—and it’s also a great course if you’re going for health and human services. Who else is going to protect us from all the chemicals in our food?

On to the electives—sooooo… research or music? Oh. Well, okay. I guess that is why you’re here. Okay, so imagine you were at Stuy after 4:30 p.m. and took the elevator to the 11th floor. But all of a sudden, a loud bang comes from the other side of the doors, and you feel the car creak and shake until it comes to a rigid stop. The doors open ominously into darkness, and a rancid smell is in the air as smoke billows into the open car. What do you do? 

A. bravely take a step forward into the unknown with a 32-step plan already prepared, or

B. frantically press the button to close the door, find out it’s not working, and spawn a shovel to dig yourself a hole through the metal floors in order to escape imminent doom, only to find out you might not be able to dig a hole because you lack proper form and strength.

Well, if you picked choice A, then you’re very suitable for the research field. You are curious about everything (even if you’re afraid) and often think about… uh… 32 steps ahead. And if you picked choice B, there’s only the other option left—music! Looks like you still have your common sense intact, but most musicians (excluding me, of course) are all quite weak. Really, you should work on your bone strength instead of practicing your harmonica or violin; there’s such a thing as too much practice after all!

Rising Juniors

Think about this: you are trapped on a remote island in a pocket dimension and can only bring one thing from your “civilized” life. Do you take:

A. Hunting equipment

B. Glasses

C. A cloning machine

D. A sailboat?

If you picked choice A, you should proudly represent the American spirit by choosing APUSH. If you picked option B, AP Chem is definitely the way to go. It’s not every day you see someone who’s clever enough to use their glasses as a way to start a fire. If you picked option C, AP Bio is calling your name, and if you took it before, there’s no harm in taking it again! You have to show colleges your dedication somehow. With your cloning prowess and good foundations in genetics, AP Bio is your best bet. If you picked option D, you like stepping into the lives of others’ stories, and after being transported into another time and place, you feel ready to live out your own adventure. From what I’m seeing, AP English fits your personality best! And if you picked option E (there’s always an option E, this is a multiple choice test, remember?), you like to think outside the box and don’t like to be limited to choices—instead, you make your own! You should meet with your guidance counselor and feverishly beg to take all of the AP courses and see if you can add another AP course to ensure you will actually meet the minimum number of AP classes (which is five, by the way!) colleges want to see you take junior year.

And we can’t forget about electives! There are definitely different types of research, and you can even choose your P.E. electives (personally, I’d choose rollerblading). Why not take both; the more the merrier! If you’re having trouble deciding, pick a letter from one to 100. If you very pointedly said that those are not letters, I totally agree with you. Such an astounding observation obviously points to the path of a researcher. I mean, who needs P.E. anyway, right? (Definitely go for the rollerblading, no other options here!)

Rising Seniors

At this point, you have free rein over what you want to do. Let me help you narrow it down by subject—take a deep breath and think of a color (that’s not black, white, or gray). If you thought of a color on the warmer side of the color wheel, you should take a look at the humanities courses. If you thought of a color on the cooler side of the color wheel, the STEM subjects are the way to go! If you’re unsure about what color you chose, go for AP Physics C or AP Calculus BC, easy classes that still fill your AP requirements. 

Here’s another question for you: would you rather:

A. Be reincarnated back into the 19th century and invest in Bitcoin so your future generations can accrue wealth, or

B. Travel to the future and sneak a peek at the winning lottery numbers for the Powerball (but there is a catch—you can only win up to $1,720,192.79)?

Option A pickers should take AP Macroeconomics since they’re basically part of big corporations at this point, and option B pickers should take AP Microeconomics since you’re much more likely to understand the woes of the common worker, so this class will be much easier for you to learn about. 

That’s the end of this quiz! Or test, I guess (they’re basically the same thing, am I right? AP test, AP quiz, same difference). Make sure you’ve bubbled in your answer sheet before turning this in on Talos. Again, please keep in mind that this test was designed with your best interests in mind, and I am not liable for any academic hair-pulling stress that may occur. May you beat the course selection lottery system!