How to Go from Crush to Couple at Stuy as an Introvert

Being introverted at Stuy isn’t the worst. You’ll survive… academically, at least. Sure, participation is a pain, but with a little strategy, you can fake it ‘til you make it (see my last article—shameless plug!). But let’s be real: academics aren’t everything. When it comes to your social life (i.e., actually getting your crush to notice you and like you), it kind of sucks to be an introvert. Fear not, my fellow socially awkward friends, here’s a hack that we can all use: treat getting a guy/girl like a math problem! Break it into steps, show your work, and soon enough, you and your crush will be the cutest couple at Stuy. Who knew that winning someone over could be as easy as solving for x?

Step 1: Define your variables

Let x equal you and y equal your crush. You need to maximize I (interaction) while minimizing E (embarrassment). First, though, you need to ensure that y is actually someone you want. The E value is squared, meaning embarrassment escalates quadratically, so pick your crush wisely. Make sure you’re into them for more than just their resemblance to the Saja Boys (or HUNTR/X) or their 1600 SAT score. Observe them, notice their personality, or, hey, maybe a good-looking dud is enough for you—no judgment. Just make sure your variables are correctly assigned before you start doing all the hard work.

Step 2: Find the Greatest Common Factor (GCF)

Now that you’ve defined your variables, figure out what you and your crush have in common. This is where your introverted superpower (i.e., quiet observation) finally pays off. Gather your data: What’s their schedule? Route to class? Lunch habits? Friends? Hobbies? Everything counts. When IRL research runs out of useful data, it’s time for a deep dive online. Really dig deep using those Stuy-honed research skills. Remember, it’s not stalking if it’s research! Fall down the research rabbit hole—your equation depends on it. Then, pool your findings, and congrats—that’s your GCF list. These are your conversation starters—the gateway from cringy, awkward silence to a real conversation, and maybe even the first buds of a relationship, dare I say, romance. Keep that list ready at all times! 

Step 3: Show Your Work

Now that you’ve found your GCFs, it’s time to put in some effort and show your work. Think of this like partial credit on a math test: small actions count, and tiny steps add up. Start simple. Smile when you see them. Not a smiler? Learn to smile with your eyes. Get out those COVID masks and practice in the mirror. They notice your “smile?” Perfect—go a step further and say hi. Feeling unusually bold? Comment on a shared class, meme, or hobby—whatever GCFs you discovered in Step 2. Not feeling so bold? Make a move online—main or spam account, your choice. But don’t be someone you’re not (and no fake accounts). You don’t want them to fall for a phony version of you. That’s just catfishing, and you’d be snubbed by you. Be yourself. Every little interaction is a piece of your equation, slowly building toward an actual relationship. Break it into steps, stay consistent, and don’t freak out if one interaction is awkward. Partial credit is still progress towards the final solution, of course.

Step 4: Increase Your Frequency (F)

Now that you’ve shown your work, it’s time to be everywhere—like, mathematically unavoidable. Let F = how often they see you. The greater F is, the more comfortable they get around you. Don’t forget, you’re not stalking them… you’re just strategically appearing near them. You simply know where they are because you did the research! Sit near them in the cafeteria. Show up to the same club meetings. Just happen to walk the same route as them. Make sure you’re on the same escalator. Hang out near their locker. Be the first thing they see when they arrive at Stuy and the last thing before they leave! Even short, casual encounters build familiarity—it’s all about consistency and being noticed without being overbearing, until you’re simply part of their everyday Stuy experience. Every appearance adds credit to your relationship equation.

Step 5: Reduce the Variables (Eliminate the Competition)

You’re everywhere, and now they’re comfortable around you… but other people still exist. It’s time to reduce the variables! No drama is required to do so, of course. Just gently nudge other potential “competitors” out of the equation. Paint the single life as the smarter option, and appeal to them with your relatable (current) singleness. Casually drop hints like, “SAT prep is killing me,” or “How does anyone have time for a boyfriend/girlfriend?” Suddenly, relationships equal distractions—and anyone else crushing on your crush? You’ve canceled them out of the equation! But don’t let your crush catch on—they need to think that the best option is being with you. Without you, who would laugh at their corny jokes or commiserate over their Jupiter grade that won’t round up anymore? You’re the only one who really gets them, and school would be so much worse without you. Slowly and surely, they will start seeing you as the main constant in their chaotic Stuy world. Goal: a clean, simple equation with just two variables: x (you) + y (them).

Step 6: Solve for x

You’ve defined your variables, found your GCFs, shown your work, increased your frequency, and reduced the other variables. After a year of strategic smiles, casual chats, and perfectly timed appearances, your crush is completely comfortable around you! The other variables are gone; it’s just the two of you now. Now’s the time to take a risk—it’s bold, but it just might work because, chances are, your crush is just as socially awkward and inexperienced as you. Go ahead and drop the casual, confident line: “I can’t believe we’ve been together for a year already.” They’ll pause, look mildly confused, and then agree—I mean, who wants to admit they didn’t realize they were in a relationship? Boom. Equation solved. x + y = a real relationship. One-year anniversary achieved—all without drama, just the quiet satisfaction of an introverted genius! Now, celebrate accordingly: go on your first real date as an actual couple (yes, it’s really happening!).

Remember: life at Stuy is full of equations, and not every x + y will solve neatly. Some solutions might give you imaginary numbers or extraneous results. Your crush is just one variable in a whole system of equations this year, so if this one doesn’t work out, don’t stress—there are plenty more to solve. Keep working through them, step by step. And the ultimate constant? Be your introverted, brilliant self—and have fun while you’re at it!