How to Get Rich Off Leprechauns in 2026

Well, we’re three months into 2026, and you still haven’t followed through on that New Year’s resolution to become a billionaire. But don’t despair, because The Spectator is here to bring you a way to get rich fast and finally catch up to that five-year-old relative who’s already curing cancer, ruling Ireland, and ruthlessly forming a monopoly while crushing all opposition. With the price of gold skyrocketing, the easiest way to get rich fast is to discover a large quantity of it. There’s only one realistic and ethical way this can be achieved: By catching yourself a leprechaun and extorting its gold until they run out or go crazy; whichever one happens quicker. 

The first step in this simple process is to find a leprechaun. All you need to do is find a leprechaun (I’m sure you can figure it out—smarter than Bronx Science, remember?), put it in a cage, found a tech startup, successfully grow the startup into the largest technology company on Wall Street, sell it for billions of dollars, invest that money into Bitcoin, manipulate Bitcoin to rapidly rise, sell your Bitcoin, and return to the cage. It’s that simple. As an additional challenge, I recommend trying to make your way through Ireland without seeing anyone drinking Guinness. Inside the cage, you’ll find the leprechaun, rattled and ready to be used as a source of profit.

“Ow!” he may exclaim. 

“How could you do this to an innocent little leprechaun?” he may cry.

“How dare you capture someone of my stature and grandeur?” he may wail.

“Come on, what sort of psychopath walks around apprehending small children?” he may complain.

“Just let me go. I hate small cages,” he may whine. Nevertheless, stand your ground. These creatures are tricky.

It’s not every day you come across a leprechaun, so be prepared for some dastardly leprechaun tricks like vanishing into thin air. The leprechaun probably won’t want to help you and might even try to drive you crazy with constant illusions (You did kind of kidnap it from its home, after all…) There is a solution for this, but it is unimaginably complex, extremely difficult to execute, and full of magical requirements and ancient spells. You must… hit the leprechaun over the head and knock him out so he can no longer make illusions. Alternatively, go train in the mountains for several decades to develop the necessary skills to fight him. Your choice.

 Now, you can truly begin the process of getting rich. Taking the leprechaun with you, go to the nearest bank, whack anyone who tries to stop you over the head with the leprechaun, and use the leprechaun’s head as a battering ram to crack open the bank vault. Don’t worry, it won’t hurt him. Once you’ve entered the vault, take all the gold and store it somewhere secure that no one will ever check—we recommend a phone pouch. Like, literally anyone’s phone pouch will work. It’s not like anyone will ever check them and take your hard-earned cash. 

You might be wondering why we don’t just take the leprechaun’s pot of gold, and there’s a good reason for that. Leprechauns aren’t just happy little dancing Irish bearded men. They’re infamous forgers that deserve to be punished! It only makes sense… they’re mischievous tricksters who just so happen to have a pot full of gold, how? There’s no way they have real jobs. You can’t be caught with counterfeit gold, but thankfully, the gold you’ve acquired is real. Besides, there’s no way a leprechaun would just give you gold (even if it’s fake) if you don’t traumatize it. But you have, and now it will. You’ve successfully and legally conducted a bank robbery, and now you must threaten the leprechaun into making fake gold for you. 

There are a myriad of ways to do this, but the most effective way is to threaten to enroll the leprechaun in AP Chem. Once you’ve obtained the leprechaun’s gold, put the counterfeit gold in a burlap sack, and build a Time Machine, you’ll be good to go (You got this! You really don’t need an instruction manual for this—what do you think IKEA is training you for? There aren’t that many extra steps between tables and time machines). Anyways, if you’ve never played dress up, now’s your chance. Put the leprechaun to sleep with a method of your choice (Health class works quite well), force a ski mask on the leprechaun, sling the burlap sack over his back, travel back in time to right after the robbery, set the leprechaun down next to the bank vault, and travel back to your time. Optional steps include crushing all possible political opposition, launching a coup to become supreme leader, sending the leprechaun to the dungeons, and collecting suspiciously appearing pots of extra counterfeit gold that contain requests for mercy.

Next, you must build statues of our glorious Humor editors and present suitable offerings. Those who present unacceptable offerings will either be sent to take Swim Gym or given floor one to floor ten class transitions. Acceptable offerings include, but are not limited to: candy, phones, same-floor period transitions, extra credit, Fun Column puzzles, the heads of our enemies, and your friends (we’re working on taking suffering as tribute). This will give you the power to face the leprechaun when he inevitably shows up at your house and demands justice. He may attempt to make you horribly unlucky out of fury (insolent brat). When he comes, throw your backpack at him to knock him out. Your backpack is probably so heavy by now that even a superpowered magical being can’t stand up to it. Once he’s safely unconscious, tie him up, throw him in your basement, and demand whatever you want from him. 

Why, you may find yourself asking, would I reveal such a practical, legal, and simple way to get rich to you, and not just do it myself? Well, I need to fulfill my articles quota, or else the editors will never let me out of the basement. Being stuck in a narrow space with the editor’s leprechaun is driving me mad. Those drinking parties deprive me of all sleep—do you know how annoying having drunk leprechauns jumping all over the bed is? Also, this technique requires more than one well-rested, functioning brain cell to complete, and my second-to-last just informed me that their letter of resignation should arrive soon.

In regards to avoiding legal trouble, all you have to do is… become president of the United States and collect your immunity! I'm sure that’s never been tried before…surely no president is insane enough to run while on trial for horrible crimes. You can figure out the rest yourself; after all, you’re so charismatic and persuasive. The best banks to rob with these unique leprechauns are Bank of America, Chase Bank, and a blood bank (blood can actually be sold for a decent amount). 

Enjoy your wealth! You’ve earned it. I would recommend enjoying the fruits of your labor by donating all of the profits to the editors of The Spectator and paying the ransom of one Kevin Weng, but that’s just me. And if you didn’t successfully complete this process, don’t worry! You’ll just die alone in a cardboard box with no one by your side but the vultures. It’s not that bad. If you have successfully enriched yourself, don’t forget to pay me!

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Have you paid me yet?

Okay, good. Now, the downside of the plan is that the Leprechaun Shadow Cabal will be coming for you. Good luck, and enjoy your wealth for as long as you can!