How To Become TikTok Famous for Losers

Only true fans remember, the good old days when it was a singular Jacob Sartorius and not an army of Emma Chamberlain wannabes, when...

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Only true fans remember, the good old days when it was a singular Jacob Sartorius and not an army of Emma Chamberlain wannabes, when Baby Ariel and Mona Lisa lip-synced the hottest songs of 2015 and the worst thing you would see was some 14-year-old’s thirst trap. If you are so lucky as to have no idea what we are talking about, well, we’re here to ruin your innocence.

TikTok: the breeding place for uncontrollable hair flipping, lip biting, iced coffee drinking, and not so quirky, quirky middle schoolers. First of all, no, it is not the new Vine. It is not Triller, either. But it does happen to get you a large online following without having to film yourself jump into the Hudson or run around with a raw chicken. It’s all about picking your aesthetic, and oh boy, is there a great selection!

Eboys: The most famous of them all. These are the bad boys straight out of Wattpad fanfictions. The dudes with black and white striped shirts, hair parted down the middle, and a whole chain used for BDSM clasped like a metal fence around their necks. Just take a 20-second video of yourself looking into the camera and biting your lips. End the video with a smirk and a wink. Anthony Reeves, Luvanthony, Noen Eubanks—have you heard of them? We would show you a picture of them, but they all look the same.

VSCO Girls: NOW I KNOW some of y’all reading this fit into this category. SO DEAR WHOEVER IT WAS THAT DROPPED THEIR HYDROFLASK IN THE HUDSON STAIRCASE AND SAID “sksksksk,” this one’s for you :)

Personality wise, it isn’t hard to nail this look. Your wallet on the other hand, well... it’s dedication, yes, that’s the spirit! Interacting with your fellow VSCO girls is easy: remember to Google translate everything into “skskskksk anioop” or else they won’t know what you’re saying. Save the turtles, sksksk, ‘cause “Ohhh shoot, they DO eat plastic.” And as Bretman Rock says, “Because without turtles… we wouldn’t have any turtles.” Ignore people who question your ultimate comfy lifestyle of oversized T-shirts, Nike shorts, and Birkenstocks, and those who ask, “Emma, why do you have scrunchies… when you have no hair???” You’re doing great, sweetie; your expired Mario Badescu facial spray is quaking.

“I-make-tiktoks-at-school”: This is obviously the best one. Easily become, like, the most popular person everrr, like, haha. All you have to do is find a place that is completely inconvenient for literally everyone around you, illegally pull out your phone like the edgy teen you want to be, and start filming yourself hitting the woah to any song that has a beat. The more you look like you’re having an aneurysm, the better.

And if you do happen to get caught and your phone is confiscated, don’t worry! That just confirms your edginess and makes your first TikTok even funnier! You’ll practically be guaranteed at least 100k views, and that’s all that matters. Wise veteran Hannah Lee said, “I was making a TikTok with another student in my gym [physical education, get it right] class, and Mr. Choubaralian came behind us and said, ‘This is a great way to use our phones to socialize! Class, let’s watch this presentation.’” That’s mad funny; don’t let their video flop.

Piped Up Songs and Offbeat Dances: TikTok houses dancers and non-dancers. You can definitely tell the difference between who is an actual dancer and who isn’t when you see a dance video for Sage the Gemini’s “Red Nose.” You’re supposed to pop your shoulder out of its socket every time the beat hits and shaaake it like a red nose. It’s even better if you add a woah at the end. But which woah, you may ask. There’s plenty—Jah, Hannah Baker, clock woah, and definitely more. Complete the video by adding an earthquake effect that shakes the whole screen a second before the woah even hits. You should have a Spotify playlist just dedicated to TikTok. Here, add “thatsongnooneknowsthenameof” and “thesongyouknowonelineof.”

You Don’t Even Have To Be In The Video: For those of you who are camera-shy, you can still be popular too. Just use your parents and siblings as clout machines, or if your dad left you when you were eight years old, you can use the overused “My dad went to the deli and never came back” joke and get a few thousand pity hearts. But if you have a MILF, simply use the “Hot Mom Check” sound while recording her doing her daily tasks, such as washing the dishes, doing the laundry, just typical women things, and bam, you’ve got yourself at least 500k hearts. The next time you’re in the car with your little brother and he gets dumped by a girl over Snapchat, record him singing “Marvin’s Room” by Drake while crying, and people will love that.

And that’s it! Follow our valid tips and advice to instantly become TikTok famous. Just do us a favor: click the three dots on the bottom to share this article but press cancel.