Guide to Becoming President of a Club for Freshmen

Do’s

* During Icebreakers, make sure to flex that 800 you got on the SHSAT, and bring in your framed Stuyvesant acceptance letter as evidence. Or bring up something recent like how Mr. Sterr almost smiled at you the other day, and you heard the voice of God.

* Make sure to talk really fast and for long periods of time to show how much straight knowledge you’re spitting on these plebs. Everyone will be really impressed and will know you are definitely the smartest kid in the room. Add a T-Pose to assert your dominance.

* Ask questions! Some great examples are, “Has anyone in this club ever gone to Harvard?” “Can I use this club to embezzle money from the SU?” and “Next time, can you buy more food?” This will show your interest and commitment in the club.

* When the sign-up sheet is going around, make sure to not sign with your own name. Write your friend’s name or a clever name like Ligma Nuts. In the e-mail section, make sure to write original e-mails such as: “ThisClubisTrash@aol.com,” and “Mr.Sugondese@gmail.com.” They’ll be too busy laughing to report you to AP of Security, Health & Physical Education Brian Moran for harassment.

* Make sure to rip off the posters and use them as a ticket of entry to the interest meeting. You will be greeted by a smile when they realize you have cost them $10 worth of color ink. Vandalize the poster for extra credit.

Don'ts

* If a meeting offers free food, don't be afraid to eat as much as you want. Think of it as your second lunch and make sure to critique it. If you didn't like it, make sure you make others aware that you are not enjoying it. The board will appreciate your criticism as you continue eating.

* Don't actually go to clubs you’re interested in. The less you care, the more committed you will be to cracking jokes. Every club needs a comedic guy who comments after every sentence is spoken and interrupts anyone trying to actually do work. Use the phrase, “That's what she said” to get the most attention or scream “Quack!” every two seconds. If that doesn't work, try going up to the board and posting your memes.

Pro Tip: Despacito Memes are the best. No one is sick of them.

* Don’t show up to the interest meeting on time. Everyone knows the later the arrival, the more people notice it. Don't you want to leave an impression on the president? Any publicity is good publicity. Add a WWE-style entrance to maximize visibility. Make sure to wear a costume and bring a speaker. Soon you’ll be running the club yourself!