Grover Cleveland, Insect Speak, & Life Goals

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Issue 13, Volume 112

By The Features Department 

Features writers delve into the wacky, existential, and impenetrable questions that permeate our lives.

Which teacher would you trust with your life savings?

“Mr. Peng” —Connor Yau, freshman

If you were to invent a class and make it mandatory at Stuy, what would the class be?

“How ‘bout a class dedicated to anime?” —Anonymous, junior

Would you rather be able to speak to any insect or turn into a fish whenever you want?

“Insect speak. I can create a legion of spies.” —Anonymous, senior

If you were a pull string doll like Woody from Toy Story, what would your catchphrase be as a kid pulled your string?

“There’s a dead cat in the room.” —David Cai Liang, sophomore

What’s your first reaction when you walk into your classroom and see a substitute teacher?

“Happiness, joy, fulfillment of life goals.” —Ian Buchanan, freshman

Between the sophomores and the freshmen, who is more fashionable?

“Okay here’s my answer word for word: I barely know any of the sophomores. All the freshmen are a lot of fun. I’ll give them that.” —Daphne Qin, junior

In light of Grover Cleveland’s recent birthday, who was the hottest president and why?

“They’re all old but I guess, going with the popular opinion it was probably JFK, right? I mean, a lot of people think that he won because he was handsome and he stood out. He was young—younger than all the other presidents. So I’ll go with JFK.”—Adriana Lam, junior

Is a hotdog a sandwich?

“While many government bodies have voiced their opinion on the matter, such as the US Department of Agriculture, the NY State government, and the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council, their verdicts are either too general or too specific, and have an underlying motive behind them. The best argument came from Jeffrey A. Locke, a justice in the Massachusetts Supreme Court: using the dictionary definition of a sandwich, and (according to him) common sense, the final verdict is… a hot dog is NOT a sandwich. But what’s the point of arguing about their definitions? Just go out and enjoy both!” —Aleksey Olkhovenko, sophomore

What’s your favorite Stuyvesant bathroom?

“School bathrooms. How absurd can it be? So the skunk that frequently visits the Bronx High School of Science took a visit to the Stuyvesant High School. It brought along his friends, Remy, Remy, and Remy and they had a little dance party in the bathroom. But they are all stinky. Uh oh, Stinky. And I for some reason found the need to climb so many stairs to use the bathroom. So I climb up the stairs. I go from the 12th floor to the 14th floor, to the 15th floor, and there it is: a Dance Party. It was stinky and they went into the ventilation system and stink up the entire school. The entire school smelled like the [15th]-floor bathroom. And there was a cat.” —Elisa Chang, Bronx Science student

What would you do if a zombie apocalypse started at Stuy?

“Die” —Yarza Aung, sophomore