Graphing Calculator Bugs Appearing All Over the Student Body

The graphing calculators are causing academic disaster.

Reading Time: 3 minutes

This Wednesday, a Stuyvesant student was taking a trigonometry test; a calm freshman year test where there should be nothing to worry about besides SOH-CAH-TOA. He suddenly thinks to himself, “Why am I getting weird answers like 100.7 when the angle looks acute?”

“Oh crap, I only have ten seconds left before my GPA is ruined forever,” said the silly freshman. “Wait what, I’m in radians? What the heck is going on?!” This was the first incident of the fast-spreading bugs in TI-84 CE graphing calculators that made its way across Stuyvesant, but an onslaught of other bugs later arrived.

These are more unique bugs with some other elements that even tech geniuses at OpenAI cannot figure out. Sam Altman, the CEO of OpenAI, which created ChatGPT, replied to an email I sent about the source of these calculator bugs. He said, “Sure, as a large language model, I cannot describe the problem, but you can use the right-hand rule for solenoids to find the magnetic field to describe the radio waves that are attracted to the field.”

It seems as if our school is in a dire situation. With math and science averages plummeting, the viral meme of students claiming “ONE HUNDRED!” on their tests is a reality at Stuyvesant. Questions must be answered in order to get to the root of the problem—though it appears we can’t actually get to the root because our bugged calculators run a program called “UNDERGROUND VEGETABLES” when we click that button. 

Still, is there a common denominator in each of the weird occurrences on Texas Instrument 84 (or 1984 if the government is secretly watching us)? Come on. Texas Instrument 84 sounds like a CIA operation that the government’s been hiding for fifty years. Maybe it has to do with Young Sheldon?

What happens frequently during math, physics, and chemistry tests when students are using their graphing calculators? 

One calculus student responded to a survey sent out by the Spectator. “I keep seeing ‘Isaac Newton mewing edits’ whenever I press clear, but I don’t want to make a scene by showing my teacher that during the test and pissing him off.” Another student said, “I kept getting all my answers in units of Terry’s pizza bagels like one pizza bagel + one pizza bagel does not get you a real pizza! ONE FURRY + ONE FURRY = TWO FURRIES; they are NOT an animal!”

How does this affect test scores?

As one biology student told the Spectator, “When I’m walking to class, specifically on the seventh floor, my calculator keeps spamming Brooklyn Tech propaganda chants! I get weird looks and no dap-ups on the escalator!” Indirectly or directly, this instrument of academic excellence is becoming a double-edged sword and either it malfunctions in class or on the way to class, making students lose friends along the way. 

Still, this is an example of the embarrassing situations that occur in students graphing calculators which jeopardize GPAs. Now, during the AP EXAM SEASON, where you only get one shot, one opportunity, it will be cataclysmic! However, maybe juniors have an excuse to not study for AP Precalculus. 

The TI-84 went from becoming the first-round draft pick of the back-to-school season to getting dropped within a year. Will there be a Mr. Irrelevant or a savior from out of nowhere? Well, coming into effect next week, all graphing calculators will be handed to your homeroom teacher. Some people say if you build it they will come. For Gen Z high school students, the opposite of that is true: if you take away our calculators, we’ll use mental math. Does anyone ever check that 30 + 31 actually equals 61? Now we’ll have to use blind faith.